The Five of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in the upper hand. I can outwit or outlast and I choose my battles wisely. This puts me in a superior position. I know when it's time to hold, fold, or walk away. I am a survivor and am not easily defeated. I am empowered to gain the advantage by turnabout and my virtue fair play.
Bazinga...
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
The Most Eventful Year of My Life
A lot sure can happen in a year. A year ago today, around this very time (10:45am), a noble woman left this planet...my grandmother, Verona Alma Nickel. She was one of the greatest women I've ever had the privilege of knowing. Most people wouldn't consider knowing a relative a privilege, however in my family it is. My grandparents adopted 5 children in their lives, my mother (obviously) being one of them. When my mom was my age she found out she was pregnant, but wasn't quite ready or able to care for a child. One day she told my grandparents that she was pregnant and considering giving the child up for adoption. My grandmother would have nothing to do with that. At the age of 69, my grandmother told my grandfather that they would raise the baby until my mother was able to. My grandfather thought she was crazy, but there was never anyway he could change her mind once it was made up.
So on September 20, 1985, my grandmother's 70th birthday, I was born. My grandmother, the one who was pulling for me, got the the greatest birthday gift of all that year. It was as if fate were granting her this gift for her determination to keep our family together. A determination that the family had seen once before when she had primarily raised my older cousin, Christie (who was almost a Christmas present the year she was born). Fate brought us all together, but it is love that has kept us together.
For nearly 4 years my grandparents raised me. Gave me all they could and more. Took me with them everywhere and taught me all that they had to teach. Protected, cared for, and loved me as if I were their child. But there came a day when my mother was ready for me to move with her and her husband, the man I call my father. My grandparents would have to take me from the far North West corner of Oregon almost to the bottom of Southern California. They would have to give up having me there with them every day, so that I could go be with my parents. I'm sure that while I grasp how hard it was to do that, I will never fully understand the emotional impact it had on them.
Every summer (and some winters) I would return for as long as I was allowed. Spending as much time with my Oregon family, and especially my grandparents, as I could. I think I did the most growing as a person while I was up there. I could spend my time reflecting back on the rest of the year...learning and experiencing new things. Things that were very different from my city way of life. The best memories of my life are up there in those tiny towns of St. Helens, Warren, Rainier, Deer Island, and Canon Beach, OR. Some of the best things I know in life, I learned while there...from my Gramey and Grampey.
As all things do, I grew older. Wasn't able to come for as long. But I always made sure to make at least one trip a year and stay as long as I could. When I got older I would spend as much time with my grandparents as possible. Learning all I could, before the inevitable occured. I'd have to say that in the last year I've come to find that I took in a lot more from them than I realized I had. I also have found that I am a lot more like them than I realized. Which is such an amazing thing. I am so proud of that fact.
Since my grandmother's passing I really started to take a look at my life. Truly analyze it and all I do. Make sure that what I'm doing is really making me happy and is what's best for me. I can't believe how much I've grown in this last year. I've matured, I've wisend up, I've become more accepting, I've relaxed a lot, but mostly I've become more me. I've become more the person that my grandparents could already see.
I got in gear with school. I've become more serious about the future and the present. I also did a cleaning out of my emotional closet. And many more things. Because of all of these developments and advancements as a person, I had to make some major changes in my life as well. I went through with the marriage, however deep down I think I knew then that it wasn't right. But I know it was a vital step in becoming who I am now. Had I not gone through with all of it, I probably never would have gotten to the point I'm at today. I apologize for everything else everyone went through in regards to my wedding (attending, travel, etc), but honestly, I think it was exactly what my family needed. A get together, far from the memories. Somewhere new, where we could be us. I greatly appreciate all that everyone did to be there with me on that day. I also apologize to my ex that I hurt you. It was never my intent. But both of us were hurt at some point, and I think it is just a side affect of a relationship that we shouldn't have been in. It was a great learning experience to take some great lessons away from. But now we have to move on and move forward. That goes as well for all of those who had some vested interest in the relationship (family, friends, etc).
After last summer I did my most growing. Every day I kept thinking is this who I truly want to be, where I want to be. If the answer was no, I found some way to make the answer yes. I am so happy to say that I have stopped doing things to fill where I feel there are voids in my life. I am beyond happy with who I am, where I am, and who is in my life. I have truly weeded out non-friends, giving me this GREAT group of friends that I now have. I have found a GREAT man, who is truly the love of my life. They say you'll know the one when you feel it...I didn't get that until him. I am comfortable with my family situation and am working on it. I am happy with the material things I've been given. But mostly, I am GREAT in my eyes. I am happy with me. Every day I know my grandmother is with me still. And every day I wake up knowing that I could have been depressed and given up after she was gone. But that would not honor her memory. And that's what she deserves. Her memory lives on in me, and I plan to do it right.
I love you Gramey, and miss you every day. But I know you're in a better place looking down on all of us. Protecting us. A place where there is no more pain. Just happiness.
"I know you're going to miss me, and I'm going to miss you...but don't cry...we'll be together again soon"
So on September 20, 1985, my grandmother's 70th birthday, I was born. My grandmother, the one who was pulling for me, got the the greatest birthday gift of all that year. It was as if fate were granting her this gift for her determination to keep our family together. A determination that the family had seen once before when she had primarily raised my older cousin, Christie (who was almost a Christmas present the year she was born). Fate brought us all together, but it is love that has kept us together.
For nearly 4 years my grandparents raised me. Gave me all they could and more. Took me with them everywhere and taught me all that they had to teach. Protected, cared for, and loved me as if I were their child. But there came a day when my mother was ready for me to move with her and her husband, the man I call my father. My grandparents would have to take me from the far North West corner of Oregon almost to the bottom of Southern California. They would have to give up having me there with them every day, so that I could go be with my parents. I'm sure that while I grasp how hard it was to do that, I will never fully understand the emotional impact it had on them.
Every summer (and some winters) I would return for as long as I was allowed. Spending as much time with my Oregon family, and especially my grandparents, as I could. I think I did the most growing as a person while I was up there. I could spend my time reflecting back on the rest of the year...learning and experiencing new things. Things that were very different from my city way of life. The best memories of my life are up there in those tiny towns of St. Helens, Warren, Rainier, Deer Island, and Canon Beach, OR. Some of the best things I know in life, I learned while there...from my Gramey and Grampey.
As all things do, I grew older. Wasn't able to come for as long. But I always made sure to make at least one trip a year and stay as long as I could. When I got older I would spend as much time with my grandparents as possible. Learning all I could, before the inevitable occured. I'd have to say that in the last year I've come to find that I took in a lot more from them than I realized I had. I also have found that I am a lot more like them than I realized. Which is such an amazing thing. I am so proud of that fact.
Since my grandmother's passing I really started to take a look at my life. Truly analyze it and all I do. Make sure that what I'm doing is really making me happy and is what's best for me. I can't believe how much I've grown in this last year. I've matured, I've wisend up, I've become more accepting, I've relaxed a lot, but mostly I've become more me. I've become more the person that my grandparents could already see.
I got in gear with school. I've become more serious about the future and the present. I also did a cleaning out of my emotional closet. And many more things. Because of all of these developments and advancements as a person, I had to make some major changes in my life as well. I went through with the marriage, however deep down I think I knew then that it wasn't right. But I know it was a vital step in becoming who I am now. Had I not gone through with all of it, I probably never would have gotten to the point I'm at today. I apologize for everything else everyone went through in regards to my wedding (attending, travel, etc), but honestly, I think it was exactly what my family needed. A get together, far from the memories. Somewhere new, where we could be us. I greatly appreciate all that everyone did to be there with me on that day. I also apologize to my ex that I hurt you. It was never my intent. But both of us were hurt at some point, and I think it is just a side affect of a relationship that we shouldn't have been in. It was a great learning experience to take some great lessons away from. But now we have to move on and move forward. That goes as well for all of those who had some vested interest in the relationship (family, friends, etc).
After last summer I did my most growing. Every day I kept thinking is this who I truly want to be, where I want to be. If the answer was no, I found some way to make the answer yes. I am so happy to say that I have stopped doing things to fill where I feel there are voids in my life. I am beyond happy with who I am, where I am, and who is in my life. I have truly weeded out non-friends, giving me this GREAT group of friends that I now have. I have found a GREAT man, who is truly the love of my life. They say you'll know the one when you feel it...I didn't get that until him. I am comfortable with my family situation and am working on it. I am happy with the material things I've been given. But mostly, I am GREAT in my eyes. I am happy with me. Every day I know my grandmother is with me still. And every day I wake up knowing that I could have been depressed and given up after she was gone. But that would not honor her memory. And that's what she deserves. Her memory lives on in me, and I plan to do it right.
I love you Gramey, and miss you every day. But I know you're in a better place looking down on all of us. Protecting us. A place where there is no more pain. Just happiness.
"I know you're going to miss me, and I'm going to miss you...but don't cry...we'll be together again soon"
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Lyrics for the Ex
Kelly Pickler- Best Days of Your Life
Cuz I'll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met 'til you were making me cry
And it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
The best days of your life
Ain't it a shame?
A shame that every time you hear my name
Brought up in a casual conversation
You can't think straight
And ain't it sad?
You can forget about what we had
Take a look at her and do you like what you see?
Or do you wish it was me
CHORUS:
Cuz I'll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met to the very last night
And it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
The best days of you life
And does she know?
Know about the times you used to hold me
Wrapped me in your arms and how you told me
I'm the only one I heard about
Yeah, someone told me once, when you were out
She went a little crazy ran her mouth about me
Ain't jealousy funny?
CHORUS
...with me was a fairytale love
I was head-over-heals 'til you threw away "us"
And it's just too bad you've, already had the best days
The best days of your life
I heard you're gonna get married
Have a nice little family
Live out my dreams with someone new
But, I've been told that a cheater
Is always a cheater
I've got my pride, and she's got you...
Cuz I'll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met 'til you were making me cry
And it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
The best days of your life...Of your life
Oh, oh, yeah
You're gonna think of me
You're gonna think of me in your life
Oh, oh, yeah
It's a shame, it's a shame...
Cuz I'll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met 'til you were making me cry
And it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
The best days of your life
Ain't it a shame?
A shame that every time you hear my name
Brought up in a casual conversation
You can't think straight
And ain't it sad?
You can forget about what we had
Take a look at her and do you like what you see?
Or do you wish it was me
CHORUS:
Cuz I'll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met to the very last night
And it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
The best days of you life
And does she know?
Know about the times you used to hold me
Wrapped me in your arms and how you told me
I'm the only one I heard about
Yeah, someone told me once, when you were out
She went a little crazy ran her mouth about me
Ain't jealousy funny?
CHORUS
...with me was a fairytale love
I was head-over-heals 'til you threw away "us"
And it's just too bad you've, already had the best days
The best days of your life
I heard you're gonna get married
Have a nice little family
Live out my dreams with someone new
But, I've been told that a cheater
Is always a cheater
I've got my pride, and she's got you...
Cuz I'll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met 'til you were making me cry
And it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
The best days of your life...Of your life
Oh, oh, yeah
You're gonna think of me
You're gonna think of me in your life
Oh, oh, yeah
It's a shame, it's a shame...
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
Thinking of making it the new ringtone for the guy i'm dating:
Chasing Cars
By Snow Patrol
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes,
they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
will never change for us at all
If I lay hereIf I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?
Chasing Cars
By Snow Patrol
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes,
they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
will never change for us at all
If I lay hereIf I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?
Chasing Pavements, by Adele
My ringtone for the new guy I'm dating...who is WONDERFUL!!
I've made up my mind,
No need to think it over,
If i'm wrong I aint right,
No need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
This is love but.
If i tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And thats exactly what i need to do,
If i'm in love with you.
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere.
I'd build myself up,
And fly around in circles,
Wait then as my heart drops,
and my back begins to tingle.
Finally could this be it
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere...
I've made up my mind,
No need to think it over,
If i'm wrong I aint right,
No need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
This is love but.
If i tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And thats exactly what i need to do,
If i'm in love with you.
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere.
I'd build myself up,
And fly around in circles,
Wait then as my heart drops,
and my back begins to tingle.
Finally could this be it
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere...
Monday, December 29, 2008
How Things Have Gone...
Here I sit...reflecting back a little, ok a lot. On where things have gone over the past few months. To think that just a little over 2 months ago I was on track to be someone's wife. I was wearing a ring and playing a role that I just truly wasn't ready for....especially not with that person. It's funny how things work out in the end. And even weirder is to think that until a few weeks ago someone viewed me and treated me as their property...and I let it happen! WOW!! I'm glad I was able to walk away from both of those sitations. Both weren't right for me. Both were not who I am or what I deserve. I'm glad that through the second one I was keeping myself open to other people and other experiences...b/c that way I was still keeping some part of myself.
Now I am going through things that justify to me why I walked away from both sitations...from both guys. Every day it seems there is a reminder. I can't believe I let myself get so lost in them that I forgot who I was. Not only did I forget who I was, the whole real me never got a chance to come out. I'm slowly but surely realizing that I have to be me...and the next "him" has to like me, ALL of me. If he doesn't, this just won't work. Half of me gets that and is trying to act on it, while the other half is falling back into bad habits and adapting to what that person wants. I'm fighting it every step of the way. I'm trying to make sure "he" will get to know the real me...not the version that molds itself to this person. If I do that neither of us would be happy in the long run. It's hard, but possible and I think whom ever the next "him" is will appreciate it.
That's why w/this new person I'm dating we're taking things slow. Truly getting to know eachother. I think it's the first time I've not only done that, but have been able to do that. It's the first time I've met an adult who's willing to do that. Seems that just about everyone else I've dated either I didn't know I was supposed to do that b/c of inexperience, or they didn't want to do that and I just gave in. Now I'm asking lots of questions, and trying not to be afraid of the questions that pop into my head. If I want to know something I'm asking it...and not making up excuses as to why I want to know it either. And I'm hoping for...no expecting the same from him. I wouldn't want him to be afraid to ask me anything, but I can't be afraid of what's being asked either. It's a great feeling. Very empowering...and it gives me hope that there are healthy relationships out there. lol
Speaking of being empowered...today I kept my word to myself. Through this whole break-up I've really only shown back bone when it comes to leaving him and staying gone. I've been a bit of a push-over otherwise. But something happened last week that really made me open my eyes and realize that I've been foolishly making myself believe a lie. And I've also foolishly been being nice when I no longer needed to. I owe nothing, I have already given too much. So with that under my belt I kept my word to myself and I called two utilties today to get them taken out of my name. One will be done tomorrow and the other will be done on my next day off. I will be taking the others out of my name slowly but surely as well. When I advised him of this he first tried guilt, by saying things like "gee, thanks" and "great timing leaving when I'm unemployed!" Then he tried using love, by asking me if we could talk about getting back together. When that didn't work he turned to good ole hate/anger by telling me that he hates my guts! His words were a little harsher...but I softened them for here. Again with the justification! I can no longer let myself get walked upon. I've put up with enough already, now he gets to feel what it's like to be taking care of everything, I'm done doing it.
What else to ramble about? Oh, I'm surprising myself in this whole dating thing. Usually I go w/the flow and push ahead a little faster than I probably should. A very close friend of mine said that this new guy seems to be everything I'm looking for...and while that may be, I'm still going to take it slow. Get to know myself better first. Yes, I see real potential in this...and that's why I'm going to make sure to take things at an appropriate pace. Not too slow or fast, but at just the right speed as to not potentially doom us. lol I don't feel like going through the drama and ups and downs I have in my past...well all relationships. If I chose to get into another relationship any time soon I want to make sure I've thought it out all the way, and so has he. I want to make sure that he really is the complete package and that I really am for him. Next time around, I don't want either of us settling. No matter who it is I'm dating...be it this guy or not.
I'm still dwelling on this whole concept of someone being everything that a person could be looking for. Did I get so used to dating guys who weren't right for me that I can't grasp that there are nice men out there? Is it such an obscure idea? I think i'm slowly starting to warm up to the idea. I'm not saying that he's perfect...i'm sure he has his flaws, but for once they're aren't things that i have to rationalize, justify, or try to deal with or over look. I don't have to hide things from my friends or family! I can be open w/who he is, and what i'm doing w/him. That hasn't happened in a long time. It's a very nice change.
Honestly though, it actually kind of scares the shit out of me. lol I think i'm a little afraid to open up to someone who seems genuinely great. It's like i am waiting for there to be something wrong b/c there always has been in the past. But that's not fair to do...to either party. Really though, i don't want to start reading too much into anything. Better to just ride it out and see how it goes. I think i'm going to take this leap. Go for whatever happens, whatever comes. Not be afraid, and not be closed off. Just take the chance that i keep telling other people to take! Whether it leads to something or not, i shouldn't hold back b/c of the possibility that i'll get hurt or that nothing will come of it. I'm going to jump in the deep end...
Wish me luck!
Now I am going through things that justify to me why I walked away from both sitations...from both guys. Every day it seems there is a reminder. I can't believe I let myself get so lost in them that I forgot who I was. Not only did I forget who I was, the whole real me never got a chance to come out. I'm slowly but surely realizing that I have to be me...and the next "him" has to like me, ALL of me. If he doesn't, this just won't work. Half of me gets that and is trying to act on it, while the other half is falling back into bad habits and adapting to what that person wants. I'm fighting it every step of the way. I'm trying to make sure "he" will get to know the real me...not the version that molds itself to this person. If I do that neither of us would be happy in the long run. It's hard, but possible and I think whom ever the next "him" is will appreciate it.
That's why w/this new person I'm dating we're taking things slow. Truly getting to know eachother. I think it's the first time I've not only done that, but have been able to do that. It's the first time I've met an adult who's willing to do that. Seems that just about everyone else I've dated either I didn't know I was supposed to do that b/c of inexperience, or they didn't want to do that and I just gave in. Now I'm asking lots of questions, and trying not to be afraid of the questions that pop into my head. If I want to know something I'm asking it...and not making up excuses as to why I want to know it either. And I'm hoping for...no expecting the same from him. I wouldn't want him to be afraid to ask me anything, but I can't be afraid of what's being asked either. It's a great feeling. Very empowering...and it gives me hope that there are healthy relationships out there. lol
Speaking of being empowered...today I kept my word to myself. Through this whole break-up I've really only shown back bone when it comes to leaving him and staying gone. I've been a bit of a push-over otherwise. But something happened last week that really made me open my eyes and realize that I've been foolishly making myself believe a lie. And I've also foolishly been being nice when I no longer needed to. I owe nothing, I have already given too much. So with that under my belt I kept my word to myself and I called two utilties today to get them taken out of my name. One will be done tomorrow and the other will be done on my next day off. I will be taking the others out of my name slowly but surely as well. When I advised him of this he first tried guilt, by saying things like "gee, thanks" and "great timing leaving when I'm unemployed!" Then he tried using love, by asking me if we could talk about getting back together. When that didn't work he turned to good ole hate/anger by telling me that he hates my guts! His words were a little harsher...but I softened them for here. Again with the justification! I can no longer let myself get walked upon. I've put up with enough already, now he gets to feel what it's like to be taking care of everything, I'm done doing it.
What else to ramble about? Oh, I'm surprising myself in this whole dating thing. Usually I go w/the flow and push ahead a little faster than I probably should. A very close friend of mine said that this new guy seems to be everything I'm looking for...and while that may be, I'm still going to take it slow. Get to know myself better first. Yes, I see real potential in this...and that's why I'm going to make sure to take things at an appropriate pace. Not too slow or fast, but at just the right speed as to not potentially doom us. lol I don't feel like going through the drama and ups and downs I have in my past...well all relationships. If I chose to get into another relationship any time soon I want to make sure I've thought it out all the way, and so has he. I want to make sure that he really is the complete package and that I really am for him. Next time around, I don't want either of us settling. No matter who it is I'm dating...be it this guy or not.
I'm still dwelling on this whole concept of someone being everything that a person could be looking for. Did I get so used to dating guys who weren't right for me that I can't grasp that there are nice men out there? Is it such an obscure idea? I think i'm slowly starting to warm up to the idea. I'm not saying that he's perfect...i'm sure he has his flaws, but for once they're aren't things that i have to rationalize, justify, or try to deal with or over look. I don't have to hide things from my friends or family! I can be open w/who he is, and what i'm doing w/him. That hasn't happened in a long time. It's a very nice change.
Honestly though, it actually kind of scares the shit out of me. lol I think i'm a little afraid to open up to someone who seems genuinely great. It's like i am waiting for there to be something wrong b/c there always has been in the past. But that's not fair to do...to either party. Really though, i don't want to start reading too much into anything. Better to just ride it out and see how it goes. I think i'm going to take this leap. Go for whatever happens, whatever comes. Not be afraid, and not be closed off. Just take the chance that i keep telling other people to take! Whether it leads to something or not, i shouldn't hold back b/c of the possibility that i'll get hurt or that nothing will come of it. I'm going to jump in the deep end...
Wish me luck!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Rolling with the Punches
Up and down...up and down...that's the way this always seems to go.
Don't know what to do.
Do i stick with it, or get out while i still can?
Is the attention of another a good enough reason to realize what i want and deserve?
Maybe the grass just appears greener on the other side.
There'd be a lot of changes to be made.
There'd be a lot of things to take care of.
Are those worth staying?
Happier avoiding, or happier facing?
Am i truley not getting what i want/deserve?
I can't imagine i seriously blinded myself this much.
Then again, maybe I have.
Don't know what to do.
Do i stick with it, or get out while i still can?
Is the attention of another a good enough reason to realize what i want and deserve?
Maybe the grass just appears greener on the other side.
There'd be a lot of changes to be made.
There'd be a lot of things to take care of.
Are those worth staying?
Happier avoiding, or happier facing?
Am i truley not getting what i want/deserve?
I can't imagine i seriously blinded myself this much.
Then again, maybe I have.
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