This weekend was supposed to be about love and us...and somehow it turned into the opposite. Somehow it turned into the end...or is it? I'm not sure what's really all going on. I just don't understand that something that felt so right, and that clicked so well, can just be over...done...not right. There is so much love there...and isn't love supposed to concur all. Are we really that stubborn that we are going to get in our own ways in such a drastic manner? Or is it really the end? Is it really for the best? I don't know. I keep thinking how there were things that were causing me to be unhappy...but now that it seems to be over, my heart is asking, were things really that bad or was I just not getting my way and I was causing my unhappiness? I'm beginning to feel more and more like that's a pretty accurate depiction of it...how I got in my own damn way. I knew that come May/June we could go our separate ways, and I had started to think about what that actually looked like, but now that it's here...I didn't imagine it as clearly as it feels. I feel desperation, loss, anger, pain, regret, hope, despair, desire, agony, motivation and a lack there of...all at the same time. There are others, and on top of that I'm worrying about him and what he's feeling. I felt (and still do) that we were so right for each other, and that we'd "be together till the end" b/c of that. But now I don't know if he felt/feels that way. Maybe I was fooling myself. I think I was wanting certain things to hide from the fact that it's not just all about me in this thing. Being an only child got the better of me. I truly feel I lost touch of the fact that he's here and has wants and needs, too. It's not all about what I want all of the time...and while I thought I was being supportive and helpful, I was still pushing what I wanted.
What did I want?!?! That's a curious thing. I thought I wanted something; but really, all I want is him in my life. If right now that means only as a friend (or whatever), so be it. I was so dumb to not realize what I was doing. And that maybe I was causing some of what was making me unhappy. I know for sure though that I'm going to have to face this and try not to be scared of what's to come. I need to take the leaps of faith and just try things. Have faith that things will work out as they're supposed to and "for the best". May not help how I'm feeling now, but I have to have faith that no matter what, I will be happy again once all is said and done.
Here's a cryptic secret though: I'm a fighter!
~RedJB
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Conflicted
I'm not sure if this is fate, or karma or what...but I hate this conflicted feeling. I feel as though I'm reverting b/c I feel like, "what am I doing wrong? Did I do something?" And I know I shouldn't feel like that...but the actions not really matching the words, and the change in behavior is throwing me for a loop. I don't know what to do...I guess I'll just go see New Moon again and sing some karaoke! Hopefully that will bring some temporary relief. Honestly, at this point I truly want and need it.
Friday, December 4, 2009
The Holiday Season
The Holiday Season is officially upon us, and for some reason it really has me thinking more than usual. And yesterday I was very much in this mood to blog...but today I just can't seem to find the motivation. Maybe b/c I know that no one is reading this, or maybe it's b/c those things I needed some clarity on seem like less of an important topic. Who knows?! But I'll do my best to get me writting, b/c I know that I need to and it is good for the soul to get things out there.
Recently I've been realizing how much stuff I've been blinding myself to with people. Just accepting their word at face value...and then I find out there actions are totally saying a different thing. For awhile I'd ignored this, but I can't seem to anymore. The two faced-ness and double standards are getting old. Plus, when some people try to stir up drama for those who are near and dear to me...I start to get protective and their words mean less and less. I don't even feel bad doing it either. I'm really trying to be involved in as little drama as possible and let people live their lives out the way that they want to. And unless it's actually destructive, I'm not going to say anything with out being asked and without it being conducive for me to do so. But when you try to start drama, I'm just not going to stand for it. Whew...that feels better!
Next, I think that I am currently working on some personal issues in regards to romantic relationships. I felt, for awhile, that I really wanted this to go to the next level. And when there were times that I thought it would, and it didn't...I'd get upset. It prevented me from truly having a good time. Myself made me (lol) evaluate why I wanted it so badly. I wasn't able to give myself a good enough answer. While I don't think I'd be comfortable waiting nine years...waiting a few isn't so bad. Things don't need to be rushed. As long as they feel right, that's all that matters. For once I'm actually starting to see that. As long as I don't become an accessory (and I don't start viewing him as one), things will be ok. I am understanding more the importance of being in the right place in life, before just jumping into things. I realize now that was one of the major mistakes I've made in the past...probably what doomed most of my relationships.
My next thought is that I'm looking to expand on what I do in life...but I'm having difficulty doing so. I think one of the harder things is admitting what I want to do...and that I may not be that great at it/them. And thus, I may not go as far as I'd like. Also, I may have to ask for help, and that's not always the easiest thing for me. Lately I've been getting more and more interested in things I used to do in the past, such as singing, acting, artsy stuff like that. I feel like somewhere along the way I've lost myself and I need to get back on track with who I want to be. I have a creative side that I need to express, and I think after years of repressing it I think the pressure has finally gotten so great that the bottle cap is about to burst off. I think one of the biggest fears I have is that those I care the most about won't understand why I'm going this...and won't be supportive. It's easy to say it...but it's harder to mean it. And I can usually tell when certain people mean it or not. I just feel like there are so many things out there that relate to me better than what I'm doing right now...and I'd be a fool not to persue them.
A few random thoughts just ventured into my brain. The first is that I need to learn to start trusting myself. And I have a confession...while I'm a trust worthy and reliable person...I would really like one of the qualities people use to describe to be, "always true to her word!" I don't want to be a slacker, who people don't know if they can rely on or not. This means, starting to be true to my word when it comes to myself. But as Leann Rhimes put it, "I will learn to love, I will learn to forgive what I can not change...but I will change whatever I, whenever I can!" And I completely agree that, "it's easier to please the world, than it is to please myself!" And I take that thought with me on my journey of growing as a person.
Sometimes, on the journey of life, we stop and smell the roses, and then we continue on...growing and changing. Sometimes that stop is brief, and sometimes it is long. Either way, we shouldn't be afraid once we get rolling again, as long as we are rolling forward toward a better us.
Recently I've been realizing how much stuff I've been blinding myself to with people. Just accepting their word at face value...and then I find out there actions are totally saying a different thing. For awhile I'd ignored this, but I can't seem to anymore. The two faced-ness and double standards are getting old. Plus, when some people try to stir up drama for those who are near and dear to me...I start to get protective and their words mean less and less. I don't even feel bad doing it either. I'm really trying to be involved in as little drama as possible and let people live their lives out the way that they want to. And unless it's actually destructive, I'm not going to say anything with out being asked and without it being conducive for me to do so. But when you try to start drama, I'm just not going to stand for it. Whew...that feels better!
Next, I think that I am currently working on some personal issues in regards to romantic relationships. I felt, for awhile, that I really wanted this to go to the next level. And when there were times that I thought it would, and it didn't...I'd get upset. It prevented me from truly having a good time. Myself made me (lol) evaluate why I wanted it so badly. I wasn't able to give myself a good enough answer. While I don't think I'd be comfortable waiting nine years...waiting a few isn't so bad. Things don't need to be rushed. As long as they feel right, that's all that matters. For once I'm actually starting to see that. As long as I don't become an accessory (and I don't start viewing him as one), things will be ok. I am understanding more the importance of being in the right place in life, before just jumping into things. I realize now that was one of the major mistakes I've made in the past...probably what doomed most of my relationships.
My next thought is that I'm looking to expand on what I do in life...but I'm having difficulty doing so. I think one of the harder things is admitting what I want to do...and that I may not be that great at it/them. And thus, I may not go as far as I'd like. Also, I may have to ask for help, and that's not always the easiest thing for me. Lately I've been getting more and more interested in things I used to do in the past, such as singing, acting, artsy stuff like that. I feel like somewhere along the way I've lost myself and I need to get back on track with who I want to be. I have a creative side that I need to express, and I think after years of repressing it I think the pressure has finally gotten so great that the bottle cap is about to burst off. I think one of the biggest fears I have is that those I care the most about won't understand why I'm going this...and won't be supportive. It's easy to say it...but it's harder to mean it. And I can usually tell when certain people mean it or not. I just feel like there are so many things out there that relate to me better than what I'm doing right now...and I'd be a fool not to persue them.
A few random thoughts just ventured into my brain. The first is that I need to learn to start trusting myself. And I have a confession...while I'm a trust worthy and reliable person...I would really like one of the qualities people use to describe to be, "always true to her word!" I don't want to be a slacker, who people don't know if they can rely on or not. This means, starting to be true to my word when it comes to myself. But as Leann Rhimes put it, "I will learn to love, I will learn to forgive what I can not change...but I will change whatever I, whenever I can!" And I completely agree that, "it's easier to please the world, than it is to please myself!" And I take that thought with me on my journey of growing as a person.
Sometimes, on the journey of life, we stop and smell the roses, and then we continue on...growing and changing. Sometimes that stop is brief, and sometimes it is long. Either way, we shouldn't be afraid once we get rolling again, as long as we are rolling forward toward a better us.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Fair weathered friends...
It's amazing how many people really are only fair weather friends now-a-days. I guess my trimming of the fat over the last year wasn't really as close as it could have been. I recently made an actual cut of a "friend" that I should have cut a long time ago. Man does it feel good. I really should have done this sooner. It was easier to deal with than I thought it was going to be. But then again, maybe that was the timing of it. She was able to move on to her next victim, I mean best friend, and I'm able to move on w/my life. It was a less expensive lesson learned than the one w/my ex...but it was worth every cent. Now I have things to look back on and learn from...and try not to ever let happen again.
As my boss would say...I've lost some more weight! lol And I can really feel it this time around! Not that I couldn't before...but maybe now it was the last of the heavy loads to be taken off at this point in my life.
I read a quote earlier that I'll leave you with, I feel as though it really sums up some of my philosophies on life:
"Happiness DOES NOT mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to look past the imperfections."
As my boss would say...I've lost some more weight! lol And I can really feel it this time around! Not that I couldn't before...but maybe now it was the last of the heavy loads to be taken off at this point in my life.
I read a quote earlier that I'll leave you with, I feel as though it really sums up some of my philosophies on life:
"Happiness DOES NOT mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to look past the imperfections."
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
People Who Graduate High School, But Never Leave It
So in the past couple of years I reconnected w/a few friends from my high school/Coachella Valley days. One of them, when asked by her husband why we had stopped talking, told him that she couldn't remember why. Well, I know exactly why...
There were a series of events that in their onset, had absolutely nothing to do with her...just mutual friends. Some how, along the way of these events unfolding, she decided to take sides. It would have been easy to remain neutral, but instead she took whatever they were telling her as the only scenario, and confronted me about something I wasn't even doing. So it's not really like we just drifted apart, she got up in my face, I stood my ground, and the friendship ended when we were seperated and she walked away. There was no love lost when a few years later I was out at a mall in the Valley with some friends, and we crossed paths and she didn't even smile or look at any of us.
But a few years ago she found me on myspace, and wanted to rekindle the friendship. I figured that what was behind us was behind us and it was high school bull. We talked every now and then, I went out to visit her once, but mostly we texted or talked via myspace. Looking back now I realize that what she did in high school would again come back up....in two seperate ways.
First, what started the friendship being on the rocks before the big blow up was her and 2 of our very close mutual friends forgetting my b-day, but planning a party for hers which was 6 days later. It wasn't until well into the school day, once other people had wished me happy b-day and i'd received a few gifts, did any of them say anything to me (we'd seen each other several times that day, too). I was upset and hurt, more so though, by the other two b/c they were planning a suprise party, than by her.
However, in the course of rekindled friendship I have gone to her baby shower, both her daughter's b-day parties, her husband's most recent b-day, and come out and stayed there for a few other things...she came to my house warming party, and that's been it. She didn't make it to my wedding b/c she was "sick", and perpetually lost the supposed gift. Then, she dropped off the face of the planet for nearly 2 months b/c she was prego sick...but didn't want to bother me b/c I had my own stress. She calls me her best friend, but isn't treating me like it. And then here we are...birthday season. That ill fated time that doomed us in the past. I have yet to hear from her since about two weeks before my birthday. I even texted her and commented on her myspace for her b-day, and haven't gotten a response. Now I'm supposed to be planning her baby shower in march w/a mutual friend, and I just can't help wondering WHY?!?! What will be the reward for this. Not to say I do things so that others will do something for me...but why am I going to put forth money, time and effort for someone who hasn't put forth really even one of those three on me?!
Second, this is where the title comes in to play...she and a few other mutual friends are fighting w/another friend from high school. I honestly have yet to find out what the real reason behind it is. It seems (from what I've heard) that my friend is taking the word of one of the involved parties as the only scenario again. She's defending her, got involved in the arguement, and is now at odds with the other person. Because of this, another friend got caught in the middle. B/c she associates w/these two girls, the other one assumed she was on their side (I suspect she would have been if asked to pick though). Some of the things I've heard coming from both sides of this is just so typical of high school drama. However, these girls are all older than I am. Three of the four of them have families and jobs, and more important things to deal with...however, they haven't grown up all the way. It's funny to sit back and watch this all unfold...watch them act like children. I get that we all want to have friends in our lives, but that doesn't mean that they are able to do everything for us and be there all the time like they were in high school. Just something we have to deal with.
Sigh...I guess my quest to find true friends will remain ongoing.
Wish me luck!
There were a series of events that in their onset, had absolutely nothing to do with her...just mutual friends. Some how, along the way of these events unfolding, she decided to take sides. It would have been easy to remain neutral, but instead she took whatever they were telling her as the only scenario, and confronted me about something I wasn't even doing. So it's not really like we just drifted apart, she got up in my face, I stood my ground, and the friendship ended when we were seperated and she walked away. There was no love lost when a few years later I was out at a mall in the Valley with some friends, and we crossed paths and she didn't even smile or look at any of us.
But a few years ago she found me on myspace, and wanted to rekindle the friendship. I figured that what was behind us was behind us and it was high school bull. We talked every now and then, I went out to visit her once, but mostly we texted or talked via myspace. Looking back now I realize that what she did in high school would again come back up....in two seperate ways.
First, what started the friendship being on the rocks before the big blow up was her and 2 of our very close mutual friends forgetting my b-day, but planning a party for hers which was 6 days later. It wasn't until well into the school day, once other people had wished me happy b-day and i'd received a few gifts, did any of them say anything to me (we'd seen each other several times that day, too). I was upset and hurt, more so though, by the other two b/c they were planning a suprise party, than by her.
However, in the course of rekindled friendship I have gone to her baby shower, both her daughter's b-day parties, her husband's most recent b-day, and come out and stayed there for a few other things...she came to my house warming party, and that's been it. She didn't make it to my wedding b/c she was "sick", and perpetually lost the supposed gift. Then, she dropped off the face of the planet for nearly 2 months b/c she was prego sick...but didn't want to bother me b/c I had my own stress. She calls me her best friend, but isn't treating me like it. And then here we are...birthday season. That ill fated time that doomed us in the past. I have yet to hear from her since about two weeks before my birthday. I even texted her and commented on her myspace for her b-day, and haven't gotten a response. Now I'm supposed to be planning her baby shower in march w/a mutual friend, and I just can't help wondering WHY?!?! What will be the reward for this. Not to say I do things so that others will do something for me...but why am I going to put forth money, time and effort for someone who hasn't put forth really even one of those three on me?!
Second, this is where the title comes in to play...she and a few other mutual friends are fighting w/another friend from high school. I honestly have yet to find out what the real reason behind it is. It seems (from what I've heard) that my friend is taking the word of one of the involved parties as the only scenario again. She's defending her, got involved in the arguement, and is now at odds with the other person. Because of this, another friend got caught in the middle. B/c she associates w/these two girls, the other one assumed she was on their side (I suspect she would have been if asked to pick though). Some of the things I've heard coming from both sides of this is just so typical of high school drama. However, these girls are all older than I am. Three of the four of them have families and jobs, and more important things to deal with...however, they haven't grown up all the way. It's funny to sit back and watch this all unfold...watch them act like children. I get that we all want to have friends in our lives, but that doesn't mean that they are able to do everything for us and be there all the time like they were in high school. Just something we have to deal with.
Sigh...I guess my quest to find true friends will remain ongoing.
Wish me luck!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Getting Some Stuff Off My Chest
So recently it was someone's birthday. Our relationship has slowly been falterting over the last few months. But I went out anyway, expecting to make the best of the night. Things started off not too bad. However, when part way into the night this person's new friend claimed themselves to be the b-day girl's new best friend...I was done. I started hanging out w/other people I knew at our locale and I will admit, that I became somewhat of a bitch. I was done, I was drunk and I was done pussy-footing around issues and not being honest and open. I started calling her out on shit about how she was letting a "roommate" treat her. And I found out some things about how she'd let this person treat her through out the years they'd known each other. I called her out on how I took care of something for her and she didn't give me credit for it. Not that she had to, but to make it seem like she did something to take care of it to a close mutual friend was bullshit. You had no shame asking for the help, you should have no shame telling people when it was given.
Anyway, I don't like how I acted, nor do I like the fact that it took my getting drunk to say anything. And of course by now it's pent up and was alcohol fueled, so it didn't come out exactly the way I would have liked it. So here's my medium for that:
Back when we had our first falling out a lot of things happened that were messed up. On both sides. First I was DEEPLY hurt by the fact that it took you over a year to call me your best friend and this new person got that title after only 3 months. Also, when you heard I had been talking shit it was from a second party source...and you STILL didn't even confront me on it. You assumed (incorrectly) that I had just done it. I wasn't talking shit, I was venting frustration about a specific event. You could have asked me, or the 3 other people who were right there in front of me what had happened. Instead you went with what someone who was down the hall, (hiding) behind a closed door, listening to the TV heard...and then told someone else who told you. Some best friend you were to me.
And then I come to find out that you screwed around with my ex. Yeah, I'm not with him now. But the fact that when I had my issues with him you scolded me for it and said he was a great guy when you knew FULL well he wasn't, is insane of you to have done...and insane for me to forgive. Some best friend you were to me.
And then when I left my ex you couldn't pick sides. You were his friend still, and wished to remain neutral. At the time I understood b/c it was such a HUGE thing to deal with in leaving him that I didn't just have time to face the reality of what you were saying. Plus you were being a good friend and letting me stay with you. But what you were saying is that you can't put a great friend over a mediocre piece of booty. Some best friend you were to me.
Through out the years we've known each other, I have always tried to be there for you, my family has been there for you, and I've tried to help you with other things as well. Your bestie has been a shitty friend, and you've admitted it...yet, you still keep pursuing her and keep taking the shit she deals to you. And then the amazing "roommate" you have mouching off of you has given you even MORE shit through the years...and you still can't push him out of your life. You can't tell him no, you can't stop giving to him. And then there's me...who did something as simple as supposedly talk shit and I got booted the hell out. I needed you to be there for me when I was making some enormous life changes...but you couldn't do that for me b/c you had to be neutral. I have given so much, and while I do appreciate the little that you have done for me, it does not even come close to equaling what I have done for you.
Let me just throw in there how months before I was getting married, when money was tight, I loaned you money with the promise that you would pay me back. Now, more than a year later, I have yet to see that money. You couldn't man up and tell your mom how you borrowed from me through out the summer, in order for her to give you some out of your financial aid. Just because I have a great job doesn't mean that I have tons of money floating around. When you want to go out and I can't...that should be a sign that maybe I actually am more broke than you. And mine isn't b/c I had fun, now can't pay bills, and won't ask the people I live with for money.
You're great at helping w/our new business. Aside from that I've just come to realize that we have grown to be completely different people whose relationship has to change. It can no longer be whatever it was before. I'm done not being treated somewhat equal to how I treat others. I will no longer be walked on and taken advantage of.
Things and people change and grow...I guess that is what life has done to us. Don't tell me you miss me, because if you truly did you'd show it more. And don't hassle me for not contacting you...what reason have you given me to want to? Remember when I tried to ask you about stuff before? You said you didn't want to talk about it...that's fine, we don't have to. I just did.
Anyway, I don't like how I acted, nor do I like the fact that it took my getting drunk to say anything. And of course by now it's pent up and was alcohol fueled, so it didn't come out exactly the way I would have liked it. So here's my medium for that:
Back when we had our first falling out a lot of things happened that were messed up. On both sides. First I was DEEPLY hurt by the fact that it took you over a year to call me your best friend and this new person got that title after only 3 months. Also, when you heard I had been talking shit it was from a second party source...and you STILL didn't even confront me on it. You assumed (incorrectly) that I had just done it. I wasn't talking shit, I was venting frustration about a specific event. You could have asked me, or the 3 other people who were right there in front of me what had happened. Instead you went with what someone who was down the hall, (hiding) behind a closed door, listening to the TV heard...and then told someone else who told you. Some best friend you were to me.
And then I come to find out that you screwed around with my ex. Yeah, I'm not with him now. But the fact that when I had my issues with him you scolded me for it and said he was a great guy when you knew FULL well he wasn't, is insane of you to have done...and insane for me to forgive. Some best friend you were to me.
And then when I left my ex you couldn't pick sides. You were his friend still, and wished to remain neutral. At the time I understood b/c it was such a HUGE thing to deal with in leaving him that I didn't just have time to face the reality of what you were saying. Plus you were being a good friend and letting me stay with you. But what you were saying is that you can't put a great friend over a mediocre piece of booty. Some best friend you were to me.
Through out the years we've known each other, I have always tried to be there for you, my family has been there for you, and I've tried to help you with other things as well. Your bestie has been a shitty friend, and you've admitted it...yet, you still keep pursuing her and keep taking the shit she deals to you. And then the amazing "roommate" you have mouching off of you has given you even MORE shit through the years...and you still can't push him out of your life. You can't tell him no, you can't stop giving to him. And then there's me...who did something as simple as supposedly talk shit and I got booted the hell out. I needed you to be there for me when I was making some enormous life changes...but you couldn't do that for me b/c you had to be neutral. I have given so much, and while I do appreciate the little that you have done for me, it does not even come close to equaling what I have done for you.
Let me just throw in there how months before I was getting married, when money was tight, I loaned you money with the promise that you would pay me back. Now, more than a year later, I have yet to see that money. You couldn't man up and tell your mom how you borrowed from me through out the summer, in order for her to give you some out of your financial aid. Just because I have a great job doesn't mean that I have tons of money floating around. When you want to go out and I can't...that should be a sign that maybe I actually am more broke than you. And mine isn't b/c I had fun, now can't pay bills, and won't ask the people I live with for money.
You're great at helping w/our new business. Aside from that I've just come to realize that we have grown to be completely different people whose relationship has to change. It can no longer be whatever it was before. I'm done not being treated somewhat equal to how I treat others. I will no longer be walked on and taken advantage of.
Things and people change and grow...I guess that is what life has done to us. Don't tell me you miss me, because if you truly did you'd show it more. And don't hassle me for not contacting you...what reason have you given me to want to? Remember when I tried to ask you about stuff before? You said you didn't want to talk about it...that's fine, we don't have to. I just did.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Another Fitting Tarot- 8/19/09
In light of the fact that I'm meeting w/my ex today, for the first time in MONTHS to "catch up", I found this rather fitting:
The Tower card suggests that my alter ego today is the Survivor, whose superpower for revolution lies in my epiphany for change, brought on with the aid of a serious reality check. Today I have reached a turning point. It may be all over but the crying -- but I have the strength to move on and create a better situation for myself. You may say that I never saw it coming or learned the hard way, but with profound change comes new opportunity. One door closes -- another opens. So tear down the wall, and rebuild anew.
I'm happy to say that this is exactly what I've been doing for the past 10 months! :o)
The Tower card suggests that my alter ego today is the Survivor, whose superpower for revolution lies in my epiphany for change, brought on with the aid of a serious reality check. Today I have reached a turning point. It may be all over but the crying -- but I have the strength to move on and create a better situation for myself. You may say that I never saw it coming or learned the hard way, but with profound change comes new opportunity. One door closes -- another opens. So tear down the wall, and rebuild anew.
I'm happy to say that this is exactly what I've been doing for the past 10 months! :o)
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