To the Top

Not sure why that title, but it popped into my head and I went with it. Today was a rough morning, and I'm not really sure why. I missed waking up to you...I missed your arms around me. I wish that you could have been there and we could have had a sick day and just stayed in bed all day cuddling and talking. After this past weekend I just realized how short of time we have left, and how much it's going to suck again when you're not there at all. Right now we have the luxury of seeing each other every now and then, but when you're not there at all...I truly fear the thought. I am forcing myself to remember it, and face it as a reality even though I don't want to. I know that I need to otherwise this will hurt more than it already does.
But back to today...I'm doing my best to make it a good one. I've been decently busy at work, so that's helping. Thinking of the things I have coming up is helping a bit, but what's not helping is that St. Patrick's Day is this Wednesday, and I don't think I'll be having my annual party. It's always been my favorite of the year, but alas...looks like I won't be having it. That's got me a little down. And the other thing is that I've been trying to see a friend for a few weeks now, and you're going to see her this weekend. I so badly want to go with you, both because I want to see her, but also b/c I want to spend the extra time w/you doing something outside of the house. But I'll just do something to keep myself busy instead. Sometimes I forget that while it's hard for me to see you living life so normally at times, that I do the same thing to keep myself going...so it probably isn't as easy as it looks. Your upcoming trip has helped me realize that. So a sarcastic thanks for getting to her before I could ;o), and a real thanks for helping me to realize something else I truly needed to.

Life Comes at You Hard...

Things going right in my life:
-I'm live, healthy, and beautiful
-I'm intelligent, and even have a degree to show for it
-I have a great job, that pays well
-I have a great roof over my head, that doesn't cost too much & is in a nice area
-I have a great, reliable car to drive that I'm not behind payments on
-Many people love me and care about me
-I have doggies that adore the heck out of me
-I have food to eat
-I have a gym membership, which I use, and can relieve stress at
-I lost the weight I gained over the holidays
-I have gorgeous red hair
-I have tons of shoes I love
-I have Partylite smell good stuff all around the house

Well that maxes my list for right now! I thought that if maybe I listed things out like that I'd feel a little better...but alas, it did not help as much as I would have hoped. So here's the down:
-My love life is rocky
-My family life is rocky
-My financial life is rocky
-My landlord life is rocky
-My sanity is being tested

While this list is shorter, it is far more impactful on my psychy, state of mind and emotional well being. My tenant is giving me a headache both financially and other, things are complicated w/my boyfr...the man I love, my mom has a large tumor that she needs surgery for, my cousin is getting married and has booted me out as not just MOH but also from knowing what's going on at all, I really would like to be out of debt far more than I am but I keep screwing that up, and I'm still dealing w/the remanants of my health issues. So I'm trying my best to keep it together and not snap. But work has been a tad stressful lately, so I'm really just doing my best here.

My cousin hurt me first when she said that her sister was going to be Maid of Honor. After I made her mine, and after all I went through as her as mine...then she said I could be Matron of Honor. But then she went dress shopping w/out me. Now I hear FROM OTHER PEOPLE that she's set a date and is having it in Vegas. I'm so taken a-back that she is doing this that I think I'm too in shock to be hurt just yet. This doesn't sound at all like what she'd said she wanted. So it makes me wonder why the change. Also, the fact that she's not even keeping me in the loop on the little things tells me all I need to know. I guess I'm not important enough in her life to let me know what's going on...or have the common deceny to let me know that she doesn't want me as MOH and why. But I guess having that kind of common deceny is something that comes with age and experience. So as to not eat my own words, I'm going to message a certain someone and have the common deceny to tell them why I can no longer have them in my life.

Ok, that's done, I'm feeling a little better about me. Next, thing...Nick! This just all genuinly sucks. Every time I talk w/other people I get more and more insight into what this might be/mean...but then when I'm around him everything just gets fuzzy. I've been trying to be better, realistic and asking/saying what I need to. But it's hard b/c I love him, and he still sort of acts like he did when we were together. I don't know what he's truly thinking or feeling and I don't think he does either. I think the notion that he's scared and confused is very true. I feel that he's faced with having to grow up and do the real life thing and doesn't know how to deal with that. It would explain why he all of a sudden changed how he was thinking about us, and it would explain why he changed his mind on the house, and it would explain a lot of other things. I still don't get though how he truly can't see that if he misses me so much and this is so hard on him...how he doesn't see that this can work?! It hurts the most knowing that he is getting in not only his own way, but in the way of us happening. From the beginning I lept in head first and decided that I was going to do my best to not be scared and just let things happen as they will. I was going to push myself not to inhibit myself. I thought he was doing the same...but now to feel that he is acting scared and playing it safe hurts. I want him, but I want him to want me for more than just something he needs for comfort. I don't want to be what he uses to get through till graduation and then he drops me b/c he doesn't know how to face real life anymore. Yes, things between us got serious...and so what?!?! That's what life does...it's gets real, and it gets serious. And it does take work...sometime we don't want to have to do it! But that's what life is about. Rewards don't just come to us...they come to those who work for it, IN ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE! You can't just say I know, but then only do it when it comes to one thing. I love him, and I'm willing to work for this...but I won't be had. I truly hope he realizes what this is and could be (even if it's only for a short time). Because letting something this great go to waste is a shame and is something to be regretted (and I preach no regrets, just lessons learned...so that's saying a lot). I know a small part of this is that I want to be wanted...I don't want to be undesirable. I want to know that I'm not just someone else's good enough for right now. I've been that before and it sucks. I can't let myself do that again. I can feel that he loves me in how he touches me and looks at me...but sometimes when he opens his mouth he gives me the opposite of what he just showed. Men, sigh....

Ok, I need to get some work done. I'll write more about the other things later. I'm not in the mood to deal with it all at once.

Holding Out Hope

It's funny how someone can seem to want something, but just won't call it that. As long as they don't call it what it is...it's like then they don't have to admit what they want.
My reason for this blog is b/c I'm going to put out in writing what it is I think is going on. I'm under the understanding (lol) that we are working on ourselves to work on us. I'm under the understanding that there is a possibility for us still. I'm hopeful that once things calm down a bit we can do some real work on us. Showing each other (and ourselves) how we've grown. I have faith that this isn't the end for us, and that we still have much more to do together. And I'm comfortable w/the fact that may mean only a short period of time. I just know that I can't let us go down w/o a fight and that this is not the way for it to end. I can feel that there is so much more love left between us to share. I can feel that we still click just as well as we did at the beginning. I just feel like we lost sight of that somewhere along the lines...like life just got in the way. We got too comfortable, forgot that not only does a relationship take work, but being a compatible human (for others in general) takes time and work, too. I am hopeful that the way we are acting now means that we still want each other.
I am hopeful that we are still alive...

Reflection

I've spent the last few days talking w/a decent amount of people...some are more just that they want to know what's going on, but a select few are really concerned and are giving insight, great insight. Things are very uncertain right now...I'd have to say that the only things I'm certain of are that I love him with all of my heart, and that I'm not letting us go down without a fight.
I am starting to see more clearly what I was doing wrong...and what I need to do to work on me to fix this on my end. I know that I was pushing an agenda that I may not have necessarily been ready for either. But b/c of my own issues, I was pushing it even if I didn't realize it. And that was wrong of me. And to make matters worse, I was being selfish and pig headed and causing issues b/c I wasn't getting my way. I can't say I'm surprised I did that, since I'm an only child and need to work on being selfish...but I'm not happy I did it to one of those people who doesn't deserve it. And so by admitting it, I take the first step toward overcoming it. I know now that it's not just about what I want...there are others to take into account as well, the most important one being him.
Another thing I was doing wrong was putting others before him and us. While this is necessary sometimes, I know I did it far more than I should have. And I'm truly sorry for that. It is definetly something I'm working on. And something I know now I wasn't happy doing it at the time, I just hid it from myself.
I know too that I need to make sure the other person knows I truly do need them. I have lived most of my life as Ms. Independent, and while that can be appealing to an extent, people ultimetly need to feel needed, too.
There are a lot of things I'm going over in my head, and am resolving to work on. I know that neither of us were acting as great as we both could have been. But that doesn't mean we're not capable of it...and it doesn't mean that we won't work. I'm going to fight for what I want, until I find no reason to fight anymore. I waited 5 years for this chance...it's definetly worth waiting a little while longer for and even more worth fighting for!
I'm sorry for all I did wrong and I am growing from this...

roller coaster

This weekend was supposed to be about love and us...and somehow it turned into the opposite. Somehow it turned into the end...or is it? I'm not sure what's really all going on. I just don't understand that something that felt so right, and that clicked so well, can just be over...done...not right. There is so much love there...and isn't love supposed to concur all. Are we really that stubborn that we are going to get in our own ways in such a drastic manner? Or is it really the end? Is it really for the best? I don't know. I keep thinking how there were things that were causing me to be unhappy...but now that it seems to be over, my heart is asking, were things really that bad or was I just not getting my way and I was causing my unhappiness? I'm beginning to feel more and more like that's a pretty accurate depiction of it...how I got in my own damn way. I knew that come May/June we could go our separate ways, and I had started to think about what that actually looked like, but now that it's here...I didn't imagine it as clearly as it feels. I feel desperation, loss, anger, pain, regret, hope, despair, desire, agony, motivation and a lack there of...all at the same time. There are others, and on top of that I'm worrying about him and what he's feeling. I felt (and still do) that we were so right for each other, and that we'd "be together till the end" b/c of that. But now I don't know if he felt/feels that way. Maybe I was fooling myself. I think I was wanting certain things to hide from the fact that it's not just all about me in this thing. Being an only child got the better of me. I truly feel I lost touch of the fact that he's here and has wants and needs, too. It's not all about what I want all of the time...and while I thought I was being supportive and helpful, I was still pushing what I wanted.
What did I want?!?! That's a curious thing. I thought I wanted something; but really, all I want is him in my life. If right now that means only as a friend (or whatever), so be it. I was so dumb to not realize what I was doing. And that maybe I was causing some of what was making me unhappy. I know for sure though that I'm going to have to face this and try not to be scared of what's to come. I need to take the leaps of faith and just try things. Have faith that things will work out as they're supposed to and "for the best". May not help how I'm feeling now, but I have to have faith that no matter what, I will be happy again once all is said and done.
Here's a cryptic secret though: I'm a fighter!

~RedJB

Conflicted

I'm not sure if this is fate, or karma or what...but I hate this conflicted feeling. I feel as though I'm reverting b/c I feel like, "what am I doing wrong? Did I do something?" And I know I shouldn't feel like that...but the actions not really matching the words, and the change in behavior is throwing me for a loop. I don't know what to do...I guess I'll just go see New Moon again and sing some karaoke! Hopefully that will bring some temporary relief. Honestly, at this point I truly want and need it.

The Holiday Season

The Holiday Season is officially upon us, and for some reason it really has me thinking more than usual. And yesterday I was very much in this mood to blog...but today I just can't seem to find the motivation. Maybe b/c I know that no one is reading this, or maybe it's b/c those things I needed some clarity on seem like less of an important topic. Who knows?! But I'll do my best to get me writting, b/c I know that I need to and it is good for the soul to get things out there.
Recently I've been realizing how much stuff I've been blinding myself to with people. Just accepting their word at face value...and then I find out there actions are totally saying a different thing. For awhile I'd ignored this, but I can't seem to anymore. The two faced-ness and double standards are getting old. Plus, when some people try to stir up drama for those who are near and dear to me...I start to get protective and their words mean less and less. I don't even feel bad doing it either. I'm really trying to be involved in as little drama as possible and let people live their lives out the way that they want to. And unless it's actually destructive, I'm not going to say anything with out being asked and without it being conducive for me to do so. But when you try to start drama, I'm just not going to stand for it. Whew...that feels better!
Next, I think that I am currently working on some personal issues in regards to romantic relationships. I felt, for awhile, that I really wanted this to go to the next level. And when there were times that I thought it would, and it didn't...I'd get upset. It prevented me from truly having a good time. Myself made me (lol) evaluate why I wanted it so badly. I wasn't able to give myself a good enough answer. While I don't think I'd be comfortable waiting nine years...waiting a few isn't so bad. Things don't need to be rushed. As long as they feel right, that's all that matters. For once I'm actually starting to see that. As long as I don't become an accessory (and I don't start viewing him as one), things will be ok. I am understanding more the importance of being in the right place in life, before just jumping into things. I realize now that was one of the major mistakes I've made in the past...probably what doomed most of my relationships.
My next thought is that I'm looking to expand on what I do in life...but I'm having difficulty doing so. I think one of the harder things is admitting what I want to do...and that I may not be that great at it/them. And thus, I may not go as far as I'd like. Also, I may have to ask for help, and that's not always the easiest thing for me. Lately I've been getting more and more interested in things I used to do in the past, such as singing, acting, artsy stuff like that. I feel like somewhere along the way I've lost myself and I need to get back on track with who I want to be. I have a creative side that I need to express, and I think after years of repressing it I think the pressure has finally gotten so great that the bottle cap is about to burst off. I think one of the biggest fears I have is that those I care the most about won't understand why I'm going this...and won't be supportive. It's easy to say it...but it's harder to mean it. And I can usually tell when certain people mean it or not. I just feel like there are so many things out there that relate to me better than what I'm doing right now...and I'd be a fool not to persue them.
A few random thoughts just ventured into my brain. The first is that I need to learn to start trusting myself. And I have a confession...while I'm a trust worthy and reliable person...I would really like one of the qualities people use to describe to be, "always true to her word!" I don't want to be a slacker, who people don't know if they can rely on or not. This means, starting to be true to my word when it comes to myself. But as Leann Rhimes put it, "I will learn to love, I will learn to forgive what I can not change...but I will change whatever I, whenever I can!" And I completely agree that, "it's easier to please the world, than it is to please myself!" And I take that thought with me on my journey of growing as a person.
Sometimes, on the journey of life, we stop and smell the roses, and then we continue on...growing and changing. Sometimes that stop is brief, and sometimes it is long. Either way, we shouldn't be afraid once we get rolling again, as long as we are rolling forward toward a better us.