Amazing, Wonderful, Massive Update

Wow...just wow! Has it really, once again, been nearly a year since I posted on here. Must. Get. Better. At. This!

Anywho, I'm happy to report that since I last posted I got engaged (8/4/12):

 

And we moved into a nice rental (12/1/12):

 

My cousin had her ADORABLE baby, Virgil Winchester (3/18/13):

And we got married (4/26/13):

That's a quick update on everything big that's happened in my life. I'm now Mrs. Daniel Shimmin (or we're Mr & Mrs Jennifer Shimmin according to a close friend of mine lol), and couldn't be happier. I'll be finished with my Master's in Public Administration on 6/1/13. From there my time will be focused on being happily married, decorating the house, and relaxing. Oh, in August a close friend will be getting married, so we'll be attending that. And I'll be helping with a shower for her here at work, and attending showers and bachelorette party. But when it's not you that's planning, those things are a breeze! :o)

I'll post a blog about the wedding at some point. Until then, if anyone is looking for help planning their wedding I'd LOVE to help!! Aside from some small drama and stress, I had a great time!

Until next time...

~Jenna Shimmin

Road to Weight Loss: Re-Start

I used to keep track of my weight loss on here, and I know it helped me to see the numbers laid out. A friend of mind recently has made herself start blogging about her weight loss in order to hold herself more accountable. Following in her keystrokes, I'm going to get back to doing the same.

So here is an update from last March:


Start Weight           197.2
@ Dr Yesterday  - 186.2
Difference             11 (5.58% down from the start)



Last Posted Weight    189.6
@ Dr Yesterday      - 186.2
Difference                      3.4


I have to admit, it's a tad depressing to only see a 3.4 pound difference from over a year ago. However, from a year ago I've dropped lots of inches. I'll have to check with my trainer to be sure, but I know the number is pretty high. I'm also down from wearing a 12/14 to a 10. A size 12 in pretty much anything is big on me. Which is really nice. I may not have seen the scale move that much, but size wise I've definitely gone down.

A three year look at my weight loss!

I recently did a 15K walk around Lake Arrowhead. I hung back with my friend for most of it, so it was a fairly easy walk (despite my cold). But I bumped up my pace at the end, and totally loved it. We're considering this obstacle course/mud run next month. I'm also considering going for some 1/2 marathons. So the training I was doing for that walk, I'll be keeping up to get ready/stay in shape for those. I know that if I keep my cardio stepped up, I'll start dropping more pounds. Which isn't all that important to me if I keep loosing inches, but it would be nice to look at the Body Mass Index chart and not be at the high end of the overweight section. Yeah, I know...looking at me most people wouldn't except that, but that's where I'm resting. At least I'm out of the obese section like I was a year ago. Small victory I guess?!

Anyway, in more fun news, the more official timeline from the man as to our engagement is now "sometime with in 3 months". That was given to me nearly a month ago, so we're looking at somewhere in roughly the next 2 months. SO FREAKING EXCITING!!! I've already begun a little planning, like looking at photographers/venues/etc when friends post links about wedding related vendors. So between school going well (been getting straight A's, oh yeah) and that, I'm one super happy camper these days. Life truly is good!

OK, I've rambled enough for now. I'll bid you adieu and get back work. Going to Lake Havasu this weekend. Can't wait! :o)

~Jenna

Has It Really Been Nearly a Year....

I can't believe I haven't posted since last March...what is wrong with me?! lol Anyway, some updates...the man is home, and we live together in a VERY nice area of Highland. We are staying with a co-worker of mine. It's not a permanent situation, but it's working rather well so we're staying here as long as we need to. It's a nice large house, and while it will be nice when we have our own place, no matter what size, I think we'll both miss the space! lol I switched over to Argosy University for me MPA...got tired of the BS at U of Phoenix. Also, had several deaths in my life that were close together so I fell behind in a class that was already tough to begin with since there were only 4 other students. But I'm really enjoying Argosy already!
What else?! The man is nearly done with his private pilot's license...just a few more hours, the written test, and the practical exam. He took the written once, but didn't pass. I think it's b/c he's psyching himself out since it's a test. He really seems to know a lot of the stuff, so there shouldn't be any reason he can't pass. Although, with it looking like he may have to go to Florida for 100 days for Commercial Pilot schooling, I have to admit that it's nice having him around just that little while longer. But, the sooner he gets into school, the sooner he can be done and start working on flight hours and applying for jobs.
As for us, things are still going amazingly well. We exchanged promise rings when I went to visit him in May. His is braided tungsten with a diamond accent. Mine is white gold, with a large center stone sapphire and two diamonds next to that. It's beautiful! He said that it's going to become my engagement ring...and he's also said he sees us being engaged within the year. That's a super, super, super exciting prospective event. I can't wait to one day be his Mrs!! :o) Life already is great though, so whenever he is ready is fine with me!
Alrighty, work calls...I'm going to do my best to get on here more! The last line of my blog from March has me in such a great mood...funny how you can do that to yourself without even trying!

~Jenna

Yesterday to Today

For some reason I forgot that I had this bad boy...thought I'd deleted it. Sort of a nice little discovery, considering I've been having some serious writer's block when it comes to my physical diary. Being able to type things out, and come back to it easily when I think of something, has me far more motivated to put things into writing.
A lot has changed since last year. I sort of fell off the healthy wagon. Well, let me correct that...I haven't been to the gym in a few months, and I'm not as strict as I used to be on my diet BUT I still watch what I eat for the most part, and I exercise here and there. I'm definitely going to get back on track soon though, not liking that I've gained back all the weight that I'd lost, and I don't have as toned a body as I was getting. Plus the man will be home soon, so I need to be looking good. lol
The man, yep you read that right, I have a new man in my life. We were high school sweethearts, dated off & on for the better part of 3 years in high school. Split at the end basically b/c he was going into the Army (Germany) and I was going to college here in So Cal. That's not how it seemed at the time, but that's what I realized as an adult (and after talking w/him more now). Well last year, a few months after Nick and I broke up, he messaged me on Facebook. It started off with innocent flirting, and catching up with each other (after all, it had been 7 years since we'd really talked). He was deployed to Afghanistan in the Army though, and we decided to hang out when he came home on leave last November. I was VERY nervous, because I wasn't sure what all our talking and flirting had meant. I had tried the dating world w/o much luck, and was hoping maybe something would come of our talking/flirting. I remember when he came to my house...it was such a trip to see him all grown up after all this time. It was nice though, seeing him get out of the truck and start walking toward me. I wasn't sure if we should hug hello, or what. I remember giving him a hug and him holding on a little longer than I expected...he remembers me giving him a bigger hug than he thought I was going to. lol Anyway, we hung out that night and staid up SUPER late talking, and looking at pictures from high school up until more recently. Sort of catching up all the way. We kept getting closer and closer and eventually we wound up kissing, which led to...pretty much not leaving my room for the next 12 hours! hehe We went and got something to eat, saw a movie, went to the Lamp and then the Rustic. He got to hear me sing, and loved it. It was an amazing 24 hours! As if no time had passed between us, and the emotions were just the same (but stronger). We hung out off and on over the next few days, spending a decent amount of time together that following weekend...which was his last one in Cali. I remember when he left me that Monday morning...I did my best not to cry in front of him, but shed a few tears as I drove away. It was hard saying goodbye again, but this time to my boyfriend who was going back overseas.
We've spent the last 5 months really getting to know each other better, and dealing with a few hiccups. But all in all it's been the best 5 months of my life. He told me he loved me on New Year's eve...it was the best 3 words I've ever heard. And when he told me how one day he wants to marry me, well...the thought still leaves me speechless. I am so insanely happy with how things turned out. I pinch myself from time to time because I can't believe it's all real. But it is...my fantasy truly became a reality!
He will be home in the states on Saturday, I'll go see him in TN about a month later, and then he'll be out of the Army right before my b-day (Sept 19th). That's when we'll truly be able to start planning our life together. He still needs to go to flight school, but at least he'll be home and we can spend time with each other. I can't wait to be able to be in his arms pretty much any time I feel like it!  :o)
OK, I'm yammering on like a love struck fool. Other things going on in my life: I took up snowboarding this past winter and LOVE IT!! Also, I started working on my Master's Degree in Public Administration with University of Phoenix this past January, and am currently living w/my BFF in La Quinta. I've weeded a few more people out of my life, and am exceptionally happy with those few close friends I have. I'm working on cleaning up my credit and paying things off...which is going well. I'm still broke, but bills are paid in surplus! I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to get back into an exercise routine, but I'm working on something b/c I want to get back into shape and loose some weight again.
That's about all for me for now! Remember, we are only limited by what we tell ourselves we are capable of! ~Jenna

Road to Weight Loss #6

I don't have a lot of time...things are super busy here at work. But I'll post a quick update. This past weekend I tried to be as good as possible, considering it was a 4 day holiday weekend for me! lol But I'm happy w/the results. I have slacked the past few days though...so to the gym for the next few I go. :o) I did a killer ab work out on Friday, and while I paid for it for a few days, it felt great.


With out further adieu, let's see where I stand:


Start Weight    197.2
This morning - 189.6
Difference          7.6 (3.85% down from the start)

This kind of number is great to see. Totally motivational, and let's me know I'm getting closer and closer to my goal (which by the way is 170...anything past that is just an added bonus). I've been reading some great stuff online that's giving me some great tips. I've already put a few into practice, and they're really working for me.
OK, back to the grind. Have a great day everyone. :o)

Road to Weight Loss #5

Good morning webby world. This has been an interesting week so far. Monday and Tuesday both started off sort of crappy, but this morning...this morning had a GREAT start. It seriously has me giddy as a school girl. lol And in the interest of not jinxing it, I ain't saying nothin'! lol Just know that something made me happy...no matter what it meant, or where it leads. :o)



And with that, let's see where I stand:

Start Weight    197.2
This morning - 192.6
Difference           4.6 (2.33% down from the start)


I really feel like I'm jamming now. I can thank getting back on track w/eating healthier and really hitting the gym harder. I went three times last week and stepped up my routine. I even drug my roommate w/me 2 of those times. I'm sure he hates me and is grateful to me for dragging him out. lol I know I always feel better about myself after I go...and since he's currently unemployed and feeling a bit down b/c of that, I figure that this is a nice little pick me up.
In other news, my tenant is moving out finally. And she's even said she's going to pay me some money today to start paying back the balance that she owes me. That's super nice. And so tomorrow I'll meet w/my real estate agent to start the process to list my house. So, if anyone is interested (or knows someone who is looking) in a nice home in Adelanto (high desert)...mine is for sale. I'm asking $135K, and if that seems like something in your price range, hit me up for details.
I recently saw a picture of an old co-worker/friend who I was very close with that I'm no longer friends with. She was one of my bridesmaids, and her daughter was a flower girl. That's how close I was with her; and so when the friendship was lost (very complicated and a touchy subject for me), I was VERY upset. Seeing that picture yesterday totally brought back this flood of pain over it. Totally brought my day down. Then I heard a uplifting song this morning & on another radio station they were talking about "Letting Go" (you could text/email/call in with your grudge to help you get it off your chest). Both of those things really made me open my eyes to things. That really had me thinking of what grudges I still may be holding that I am not letting myself see. There are a few that I can think of...and while I'm not quite ready to get over all of them, the majority of them I am ready to. So with that I say that with the exception of woodchuck and nieko, I am letting go. All is forgiven and I'm truly over it. Now with the situation with this friend, I am still hurt by how things played out, and I'm not saying I'd welcome her back with open arms...but I am saying that I am no longer holding the grudge. She seems happy, and I pray that she really is. That goes for all the others I was holding this grudge with. You're you and I'm me...and that's ok. We don't have to be friends, and that's fine. I just wish that others could see it the same as me.
So with that I have a message for anyone who's reading this: life's too short to hold on to grudges, especially ones that aren't really as bad as we may have once thought So let go of the little things, learn to forgive as soon as your heart lets you, and I promise that you'll live a happier life...I know that my doing so has already given me a different perspective on my life. A happier, freer feeling and outlook! :o)


~Jenna

The Road to Weight Loss #4

Good morning web world. After not feeling so hot yesterday, I am back in action today. My tummy is feeling much better. I do believe that fried food and I no longer get along. I thought maybe it was just Monday night's meal, but last night I wasn't feeling so hot again after another attempt. So with that bit of knowledge under my belt, I can proceed with this diet even more smoothly.


And with that, let's see where I stand:

Start Weight    197.2
This morning - 195.0
Difference          2.2 (1.12% down from the start)

I have really started hitting the gym more often, and adding more exercises back into my routine. I have no doubt that soon I'll be back to the work outs I used to do. It was weird walking back into the weight room the other day. I actually missed that smell of cold air, sweat, and determination (and steroids I'm sure lol). My legs were aching that night, but by the next day they were thanking me. I can't wait to really get back to this work out grind. While I'm currently in 4th place on my work place weight loss competition, I have no doubt soon I'll start fighting for that #1 spot. :o)

Thanks again for every one's support in my efforts. I'm happy to report that my mom's b/f is back at home and seems to be doing better after his recent hospital stay. We're praying things stay that way!

~Jenna

The Road to Weight Loss #3

Good Morning Blog/FB World:




This past week has been pretty rewarding. I got my butt back in the gym finally. I was only able to go once between the weigh-ins...but it felt so completely amazing. The best part of it was pushing myself to do things before I only half-assed. I made my self runner longer than I usually would have. Kept motivating myself by saying motivational things in my head. At first I started to tell myself to do it to b/c I want to look good for a certain someone when we get together, or to do it to show my ex what he's missing...but I quickly stopped and asked myself why the hell do I care what anyone thinks? Especially an ex?! I started telling myself even louder and more firmly to do it for me! That I'll be happier with myself if I do it. It's funny b/c before I didn't think that I'd be enough of a motivation to make myself run a little longer, or do more sit ups, and so on...but I am damnit. Right before writing this I read my friend Tabitha's blog, in which she talks about a Vlog (video log) she did recently talking about self-image. She said so many things I myself have once felt/thought, or still do to this day. It made me smile inside to see that not only am I not alone in my self-image thinking...but that I've grown as a person, and do love myself more than I used to. That's such a great feeling. So thank you for that Tabitha! :o)
And so, as I go on my weight loss journey, I take the little accomplishments and use them to keep me going. No longer will I see them as things I could have done better. I'm sticking to this and doing the best I can and it's starting to show, even if only a little at a time.
And with that, let's see where I stand:

Start Weight        197.2
Tues morning    - 195.8
Difference              1.4 (.71% down from the start)

That's what I like to see...loss, not gain. And some people have already started noticing the loss on certain areas of my body. Hearing people say that is a great motivator. I went to the gym yesterday, and am going again today. I added a few new goals to my SparkPeople.com account, one of them is to work out at least 4x's a week and the other is to make at least 2 of those work outs in the gym. So far, I'm right on track with this goal. I foresee my bumping both of those goals up in the near future. :o)

Thank you to all of those who have been nothing but supportive. Your efforts are greatly appreciated.


~Jenna

The Road to Weight Loss #2

Good Afternoon Blog/FB World:

Well this week was a little harder than the one before. I had a lot of social events come up that made it a tad hard to stick to my calorie counting, not to mention I didn't go to Vegas and walk up and down the strip to burn it all off. lol
So let's see where I stand:              
                Start Weight     197.2
                This morning  - 196.0    (that's nearly +5 lbs from last week)
                Difference          1.2     (.61% down from the start)
Not exactly the results I was hoping for, but considering how bad I was, I'm happy that I didn't gain anything over the starting weight. And since exercise starts this week I have faith that next week's report will be better. Took the dogs for a short walk this a.m., and am going to hit the gym up tomorrow on my way home. Probably take them for another short walk tomorrow morning. It's good for both them and myself.
In other news, I have some family stuff going on. My uncle had a routine MRI recently, and the doctor found a spot. So he'll back on August 23rd to find out if the cancer is back in his brain. I'd appreciate every one's thoughts and prayers for him right now. I'm worried for him, but I have faith that we will be able to face and deal with whatever is brought to us.
OK, that is all for now. I'll blog again soon.

~Jenna

The Road to Weight Loss

This week was weigh in numero uno. And since I plan on never seeing this number again, I'll go ahead and post my progress in numbers and percent. I started at 197.2. YIKES!! Yep, that's right, I was nearing the big 2-0-0! Blah!! Just like me, others at work weren't very happy with their number either, so we all decided to do a biggest loser competition, with a $10 buy in (which reminds me, I need to buy in along with several others lol). Over the course of the first week we got 10 participants, so the winner stands to make a pretty decent profit. This was exactly the motivation I needed to get going w/restarting my healthy lifestyle. Thanks to my friend Tabitha (who is tracking her own weight loss via her blog at http://probablytabitha.com/) I discovered this great site, http://www.sparkpeople.com/. I saw how sucessful she was being and decided to check it out. I was impressed with it, and signed up (it's free). It helps me track my daily caloric intake, water drank, and exercise performed.
With the help of this site, I made my weight loss game plan. Since I'm out of practice on making healthy choices when it comes to food, I decided the first two weeks are dedicated to retraining myself to choose healthy stuff no matter where I go. This sure was a test considering that I spent two weekends in Vegas. But I'm happy to report that in week one I lost 6 pounds. Yep, you read that right...SIX POUNDS!! WOO HOO!!! That's 3.04% down from the week before. I very rarely went over my daily alloted calories. And even when I did splurge, it wasn't that bad b/c my other food choices had been super healthy. I know that those results won't be typical, but it was super rewarding after the hard work I'd put in during the prior week.
Ok, so now this next week will be spent doing the same...getting back on the healthy eating horst. After that I'll re-introduce the gym. I'm going to start light for the first week, just cardio. The second week I'll add some other exercises I do on machines. The third week I'll bring back weight lifting exercises. And finally at the fourth week I'm going to throw at least 2 days of P90x at home.
The competition ends on October 26th. I'd like to see myself in the mid-160's (which was my original goal before I got so off track). Once I reach my goal I'll probably scale back on the aggresive work outs, but I figure by then I'll be back in the habit of working out that it won't matter.
My number one thing to avoid: splurging on days that I'm going to the gym. That was the bad habit I developed before, and I am NOT going to again!
Wish me luck all! I'm anxious about introducing exercise, but I have faith in myself!!

To the Top

Not sure why that title, but it popped into my head and I went with it. Today was a rough morning, and I'm not really sure why. I missed waking up to you...I missed your arms around me. I wish that you could have been there and we could have had a sick day and just stayed in bed all day cuddling and talking. After this past weekend I just realized how short of time we have left, and how much it's going to suck again when you're not there at all. Right now we have the luxury of seeing each other every now and then, but when you're not there at all...I truly fear the thought. I am forcing myself to remember it, and face it as a reality even though I don't want to. I know that I need to otherwise this will hurt more than it already does.
But back to today...I'm doing my best to make it a good one. I've been decently busy at work, so that's helping. Thinking of the things I have coming up is helping a bit, but what's not helping is that St. Patrick's Day is this Wednesday, and I don't think I'll be having my annual party. It's always been my favorite of the year, but alas...looks like I won't be having it. That's got me a little down. And the other thing is that I've been trying to see a friend for a few weeks now, and you're going to see her this weekend. I so badly want to go with you, both because I want to see her, but also b/c I want to spend the extra time w/you doing something outside of the house. But I'll just do something to keep myself busy instead. Sometimes I forget that while it's hard for me to see you living life so normally at times, that I do the same thing to keep myself going...so it probably isn't as easy as it looks. Your upcoming trip has helped me realize that. So a sarcastic thanks for getting to her before I could ;o), and a real thanks for helping me to realize something else I truly needed to.

Life Comes at You Hard...

Things going right in my life:
-I'm live, healthy, and beautiful
-I'm intelligent, and even have a degree to show for it
-I have a great job, that pays well
-I have a great roof over my head, that doesn't cost too much & is in a nice area
-I have a great, reliable car to drive that I'm not behind payments on
-Many people love me and care about me
-I have doggies that adore the heck out of me
-I have food to eat
-I have a gym membership, which I use, and can relieve stress at
-I lost the weight I gained over the holidays
-I have gorgeous red hair
-I have tons of shoes I love
-I have Partylite smell good stuff all around the house

Well that maxes my list for right now! I thought that if maybe I listed things out like that I'd feel a little better...but alas, it did not help as much as I would have hoped. So here's the down:
-My love life is rocky
-My family life is rocky
-My financial life is rocky
-My landlord life is rocky
-My sanity is being tested

While this list is shorter, it is far more impactful on my psychy, state of mind and emotional well being. My tenant is giving me a headache both financially and other, things are complicated w/my boyfr...the man I love, my mom has a large tumor that she needs surgery for, my cousin is getting married and has booted me out as not just MOH but also from knowing what's going on at all, I really would like to be out of debt far more than I am but I keep screwing that up, and I'm still dealing w/the remanants of my health issues. So I'm trying my best to keep it together and not snap. But work has been a tad stressful lately, so I'm really just doing my best here.

My cousin hurt me first when she said that her sister was going to be Maid of Honor. After I made her mine, and after all I went through as her as mine...then she said I could be Matron of Honor. But then she went dress shopping w/out me. Now I hear FROM OTHER PEOPLE that she's set a date and is having it in Vegas. I'm so taken a-back that she is doing this that I think I'm too in shock to be hurt just yet. This doesn't sound at all like what she'd said she wanted. So it makes me wonder why the change. Also, the fact that she's not even keeping me in the loop on the little things tells me all I need to know. I guess I'm not important enough in her life to let me know what's going on...or have the common deceny to let me know that she doesn't want me as MOH and why. But I guess having that kind of common deceny is something that comes with age and experience. So as to not eat my own words, I'm going to message a certain someone and have the common deceny to tell them why I can no longer have them in my life.

Ok, that's done, I'm feeling a little better about me. Next, thing...Nick! This just all genuinly sucks. Every time I talk w/other people I get more and more insight into what this might be/mean...but then when I'm around him everything just gets fuzzy. I've been trying to be better, realistic and asking/saying what I need to. But it's hard b/c I love him, and he still sort of acts like he did when we were together. I don't know what he's truly thinking or feeling and I don't think he does either. I think the notion that he's scared and confused is very true. I feel that he's faced with having to grow up and do the real life thing and doesn't know how to deal with that. It would explain why he all of a sudden changed how he was thinking about us, and it would explain why he changed his mind on the house, and it would explain a lot of other things. I still don't get though how he truly can't see that if he misses me so much and this is so hard on him...how he doesn't see that this can work?! It hurts the most knowing that he is getting in not only his own way, but in the way of us happening. From the beginning I lept in head first and decided that I was going to do my best to not be scared and just let things happen as they will. I was going to push myself not to inhibit myself. I thought he was doing the same...but now to feel that he is acting scared and playing it safe hurts. I want him, but I want him to want me for more than just something he needs for comfort. I don't want to be what he uses to get through till graduation and then he drops me b/c he doesn't know how to face real life anymore. Yes, things between us got serious...and so what?!?! That's what life does...it's gets real, and it gets serious. And it does take work...sometime we don't want to have to do it! But that's what life is about. Rewards don't just come to us...they come to those who work for it, IN ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE! You can't just say I know, but then only do it when it comes to one thing. I love him, and I'm willing to work for this...but I won't be had. I truly hope he realizes what this is and could be (even if it's only for a short time). Because letting something this great go to waste is a shame and is something to be regretted (and I preach no regrets, just lessons learned...so that's saying a lot). I know a small part of this is that I want to be wanted...I don't want to be undesirable. I want to know that I'm not just someone else's good enough for right now. I've been that before and it sucks. I can't let myself do that again. I can feel that he loves me in how he touches me and looks at me...but sometimes when he opens his mouth he gives me the opposite of what he just showed. Men, sigh....

Ok, I need to get some work done. I'll write more about the other things later. I'm not in the mood to deal with it all at once.

Holding Out Hope

It's funny how someone can seem to want something, but just won't call it that. As long as they don't call it what it is...it's like then they don't have to admit what they want.
My reason for this blog is b/c I'm going to put out in writing what it is I think is going on. I'm under the understanding (lol) that we are working on ourselves to work on us. I'm under the understanding that there is a possibility for us still. I'm hopeful that once things calm down a bit we can do some real work on us. Showing each other (and ourselves) how we've grown. I have faith that this isn't the end for us, and that we still have much more to do together. And I'm comfortable w/the fact that may mean only a short period of time. I just know that I can't let us go down w/o a fight and that this is not the way for it to end. I can feel that there is so much more love left between us to share. I can feel that we still click just as well as we did at the beginning. I just feel like we lost sight of that somewhere along the lines...like life just got in the way. We got too comfortable, forgot that not only does a relationship take work, but being a compatible human (for others in general) takes time and work, too. I am hopeful that the way we are acting now means that we still want each other.
I am hopeful that we are still alive...

Reflection

I've spent the last few days talking w/a decent amount of people...some are more just that they want to know what's going on, but a select few are really concerned and are giving insight, great insight. Things are very uncertain right now...I'd have to say that the only things I'm certain of are that I love him with all of my heart, and that I'm not letting us go down without a fight.
I am starting to see more clearly what I was doing wrong...and what I need to do to work on me to fix this on my end. I know that I was pushing an agenda that I may not have necessarily been ready for either. But b/c of my own issues, I was pushing it even if I didn't realize it. And that was wrong of me. And to make matters worse, I was being selfish and pig headed and causing issues b/c I wasn't getting my way. I can't say I'm surprised I did that, since I'm an only child and need to work on being selfish...but I'm not happy I did it to one of those people who doesn't deserve it. And so by admitting it, I take the first step toward overcoming it. I know now that it's not just about what I want...there are others to take into account as well, the most important one being him.
Another thing I was doing wrong was putting others before him and us. While this is necessary sometimes, I know I did it far more than I should have. And I'm truly sorry for that. It is definetly something I'm working on. And something I know now I wasn't happy doing it at the time, I just hid it from myself.
I know too that I need to make sure the other person knows I truly do need them. I have lived most of my life as Ms. Independent, and while that can be appealing to an extent, people ultimetly need to feel needed, too.
There are a lot of things I'm going over in my head, and am resolving to work on. I know that neither of us were acting as great as we both could have been. But that doesn't mean we're not capable of it...and it doesn't mean that we won't work. I'm going to fight for what I want, until I find no reason to fight anymore. I waited 5 years for this chance...it's definetly worth waiting a little while longer for and even more worth fighting for!
I'm sorry for all I did wrong and I am growing from this...

roller coaster

This weekend was supposed to be about love and us...and somehow it turned into the opposite. Somehow it turned into the end...or is it? I'm not sure what's really all going on. I just don't understand that something that felt so right, and that clicked so well, can just be over...done...not right. There is so much love there...and isn't love supposed to concur all. Are we really that stubborn that we are going to get in our own ways in such a drastic manner? Or is it really the end? Is it really for the best? I don't know. I keep thinking how there were things that were causing me to be unhappy...but now that it seems to be over, my heart is asking, were things really that bad or was I just not getting my way and I was causing my unhappiness? I'm beginning to feel more and more like that's a pretty accurate depiction of it...how I got in my own damn way. I knew that come May/June we could go our separate ways, and I had started to think about what that actually looked like, but now that it's here...I didn't imagine it as clearly as it feels. I feel desperation, loss, anger, pain, regret, hope, despair, desire, agony, motivation and a lack there of...all at the same time. There are others, and on top of that I'm worrying about him and what he's feeling. I felt (and still do) that we were so right for each other, and that we'd "be together till the end" b/c of that. But now I don't know if he felt/feels that way. Maybe I was fooling myself. I think I was wanting certain things to hide from the fact that it's not just all about me in this thing. Being an only child got the better of me. I truly feel I lost touch of the fact that he's here and has wants and needs, too. It's not all about what I want all of the time...and while I thought I was being supportive and helpful, I was still pushing what I wanted.
What did I want?!?! That's a curious thing. I thought I wanted something; but really, all I want is him in my life. If right now that means only as a friend (or whatever), so be it. I was so dumb to not realize what I was doing. And that maybe I was causing some of what was making me unhappy. I know for sure though that I'm going to have to face this and try not to be scared of what's to come. I need to take the leaps of faith and just try things. Have faith that things will work out as they're supposed to and "for the best". May not help how I'm feeling now, but I have to have faith that no matter what, I will be happy again once all is said and done.
Here's a cryptic secret though: I'm a fighter!

~RedJB

Conflicted

I'm not sure if this is fate, or karma or what...but I hate this conflicted feeling. I feel as though I'm reverting b/c I feel like, "what am I doing wrong? Did I do something?" And I know I shouldn't feel like that...but the actions not really matching the words, and the change in behavior is throwing me for a loop. I don't know what to do...I guess I'll just go see New Moon again and sing some karaoke! Hopefully that will bring some temporary relief. Honestly, at this point I truly want and need it.

The Holiday Season

The Holiday Season is officially upon us, and for some reason it really has me thinking more than usual. And yesterday I was very much in this mood to blog...but today I just can't seem to find the motivation. Maybe b/c I know that no one is reading this, or maybe it's b/c those things I needed some clarity on seem like less of an important topic. Who knows?! But I'll do my best to get me writting, b/c I know that I need to and it is good for the soul to get things out there.
Recently I've been realizing how much stuff I've been blinding myself to with people. Just accepting their word at face value...and then I find out there actions are totally saying a different thing. For awhile I'd ignored this, but I can't seem to anymore. The two faced-ness and double standards are getting old. Plus, when some people try to stir up drama for those who are near and dear to me...I start to get protective and their words mean less and less. I don't even feel bad doing it either. I'm really trying to be involved in as little drama as possible and let people live their lives out the way that they want to. And unless it's actually destructive, I'm not going to say anything with out being asked and without it being conducive for me to do so. But when you try to start drama, I'm just not going to stand for it. Whew...that feels better!
Next, I think that I am currently working on some personal issues in regards to romantic relationships. I felt, for awhile, that I really wanted this to go to the next level. And when there were times that I thought it would, and it didn't...I'd get upset. It prevented me from truly having a good time. Myself made me (lol) evaluate why I wanted it so badly. I wasn't able to give myself a good enough answer. While I don't think I'd be comfortable waiting nine years...waiting a few isn't so bad. Things don't need to be rushed. As long as they feel right, that's all that matters. For once I'm actually starting to see that. As long as I don't become an accessory (and I don't start viewing him as one), things will be ok. I am understanding more the importance of being in the right place in life, before just jumping into things. I realize now that was one of the major mistakes I've made in the past...probably what doomed most of my relationships.
My next thought is that I'm looking to expand on what I do in life...but I'm having difficulty doing so. I think one of the harder things is admitting what I want to do...and that I may not be that great at it/them. And thus, I may not go as far as I'd like. Also, I may have to ask for help, and that's not always the easiest thing for me. Lately I've been getting more and more interested in things I used to do in the past, such as singing, acting, artsy stuff like that. I feel like somewhere along the way I've lost myself and I need to get back on track with who I want to be. I have a creative side that I need to express, and I think after years of repressing it I think the pressure has finally gotten so great that the bottle cap is about to burst off. I think one of the biggest fears I have is that those I care the most about won't understand why I'm going this...and won't be supportive. It's easy to say it...but it's harder to mean it. And I can usually tell when certain people mean it or not. I just feel like there are so many things out there that relate to me better than what I'm doing right now...and I'd be a fool not to persue them.
A few random thoughts just ventured into my brain. The first is that I need to learn to start trusting myself. And I have a confession...while I'm a trust worthy and reliable person...I would really like one of the qualities people use to describe to be, "always true to her word!" I don't want to be a slacker, who people don't know if they can rely on or not. This means, starting to be true to my word when it comes to myself. But as Leann Rhimes put it, "I will learn to love, I will learn to forgive what I can not change...but I will change whatever I, whenever I can!" And I completely agree that, "it's easier to please the world, than it is to please myself!" And I take that thought with me on my journey of growing as a person.
Sometimes, on the journey of life, we stop and smell the roses, and then we continue on...growing and changing. Sometimes that stop is brief, and sometimes it is long. Either way, we shouldn't be afraid once we get rolling again, as long as we are rolling forward toward a better us.

Fair weathered friends...

It's amazing how many people really are only fair weather friends now-a-days. I guess my trimming of the fat over the last year wasn't really as close as it could have been. I recently made an actual cut of a "friend" that I should have cut a long time ago. Man does it feel good. I really should have done this sooner. It was easier to deal with than I thought it was going to be. But then again, maybe that was the timing of it. She was able to move on to her next victim, I mean best friend, and I'm able to move on w/my life. It was a less expensive lesson learned than the one w/my ex...but it was worth every cent. Now I have things to look back on and learn from...and try not to ever let happen again.
As my boss would say...I've lost some more weight! lol And I can really feel it this time around! Not that I couldn't before...but maybe now it was the last of the heavy loads to be taken off at this point in my life.
I read a quote earlier that I'll leave you with, I feel as though it really sums up some of my philosophies on life:

"Happiness DOES NOT mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to look past the imperfections."

People Who Graduate High School, But Never Leave It

So in the past couple of years I reconnected w/a few friends from my high school/Coachella Valley days. One of them, when asked by her husband why we had stopped talking, told him that she couldn't remember why. Well, I know exactly why...
There were a series of events that in their onset, had absolutely nothing to do with her...just mutual friends. Some how, along the way of these events unfolding, she decided to take sides. It would have been easy to remain neutral, but instead she took whatever they were telling her as the only scenario, and confronted me about something I wasn't even doing. So it's not really like we just drifted apart, she got up in my face, I stood my ground, and the friendship ended when we were seperated and she walked away. There was no love lost when a few years later I was out at a mall in the Valley with some friends, and we crossed paths and she didn't even smile or look at any of us.
But a few years ago she found me on myspace, and wanted to rekindle the friendship. I figured that what was behind us was behind us and it was high school bull. We talked every now and then, I went out to visit her once, but mostly we texted or talked via myspace. Looking back now I realize that what she did in high school would again come back up....in two seperate ways.
First, what started the friendship being on the rocks before the big blow up was her and 2 of our very close mutual friends forgetting my b-day, but planning a party for hers which was 6 days later. It wasn't until well into the school day, once other people had wished me happy b-day and i'd received a few gifts, did any of them say anything to me (we'd seen each other several times that day, too). I was upset and hurt, more so though, by the other two b/c they were planning a suprise party, than by her.
However, in the course of rekindled friendship I have gone to her baby shower, both her daughter's b-day parties, her husband's most recent b-day, and come out and stayed there for a few other things...she came to my house warming party, and that's been it. She didn't make it to my wedding b/c she was "sick", and perpetually lost the supposed gift. Then, she dropped off the face of the planet for nearly 2 months b/c she was prego sick...but didn't want to bother me b/c I had my own stress. She calls me her best friend, but isn't treating me like it. And then here we are...birthday season. That ill fated time that doomed us in the past. I have yet to hear from her since about two weeks before my birthday. I even texted her and commented on her myspace for her b-day, and haven't gotten a response. Now I'm supposed to be planning her baby shower in march w/a mutual friend, and I just can't help wondering WHY?!?! What will be the reward for this. Not to say I do things so that others will do something for me...but why am I going to put forth money, time and effort for someone who hasn't put forth really even one of those three on me?!
Second, this is where the title comes in to play...she and a few other mutual friends are fighting w/another friend from high school. I honestly have yet to find out what the real reason behind it is. It seems (from what I've heard) that my friend is taking the word of one of the involved parties as the only scenario again. She's defending her, got involved in the arguement, and is now at odds with the other person. Because of this, another friend got caught in the middle. B/c she associates w/these two girls, the other one assumed she was on their side (I suspect she would have been if asked to pick though). Some of the things I've heard coming from both sides of this is just so typical of high school drama. However, these girls are all older than I am. Three of the four of them have families and jobs, and more important things to deal with...however, they haven't grown up all the way. It's funny to sit back and watch this all unfold...watch them act like children. I get that we all want to have friends in our lives, but that doesn't mean that they are able to do everything for us and be there all the time like they were in high school. Just something we have to deal with.
Sigh...I guess my quest to find true friends will remain ongoing.
Wish me luck!

Getting Some Stuff Off My Chest

So recently it was someone's birthday. Our relationship has slowly been falterting over the last few months. But I went out anyway, expecting to make the best of the night. Things started off not too bad. However, when part way into the night this person's new friend claimed themselves to be the b-day girl's new best friend...I was done. I started hanging out w/other people I knew at our locale and I will admit, that I became somewhat of a bitch. I was done, I was drunk and I was done pussy-footing around issues and not being honest and open. I started calling her out on shit about how she was letting a "roommate" treat her. And I found out some things about how she'd let this person treat her through out the years they'd known each other. I called her out on how I took care of something for her and she didn't give me credit for it. Not that she had to, but to make it seem like she did something to take care of it to a close mutual friend was bullshit. You had no shame asking for the help, you should have no shame telling people when it was given.
Anyway, I don't like how I acted, nor do I like the fact that it took my getting drunk to say anything. And of course by now it's pent up and was alcohol fueled, so it didn't come out exactly the way I would have liked it. So here's my medium for that:

Back when we had our first falling out a lot of things happened that were messed up. On both sides. First I was DEEPLY hurt by the fact that it took you over a year to call me your best friend and this new person got that title after only 3 months. Also, when you heard I had been talking shit it was from a second party source...and you STILL didn't even confront me on it. You assumed (incorrectly) that I had just done it. I wasn't talking shit, I was venting frustration about a specific event. You could have asked me, or the 3 other people who were right there in front of me what had happened. Instead you went with what someone who was down the hall, (hiding) behind a closed door, listening to the TV heard...and then told someone else who told you. Some best friend you were to me.
And then I come to find out that you screwed around with my ex. Yeah, I'm not with him now. But the fact that when I had my issues with him you scolded me for it and said he was a great guy when you knew FULL well he wasn't, is insane of you to have done...and insane for me to forgive. Some best friend you were to me.
And then when I left my ex you couldn't pick sides. You were his friend still, and wished to remain neutral. At the time I understood b/c it was such a HUGE thing to deal with in leaving him that I didn't just have time to face the reality of what you were saying. Plus you were being a good friend and letting me stay with you. But what you were saying is that you can't put a great friend over a mediocre piece of booty. Some best friend you were to me.
Through out the years we've known each other, I have always tried to be there for you, my family has been there for you, and I've tried to help you with other things as well. Your bestie has been a shitty friend, and you've admitted it...yet, you still keep pursuing her and keep taking the shit she deals to you. And then the amazing "roommate" you have mouching off of you has given you even MORE shit through the years...and you still can't push him out of your life. You can't tell him no, you can't stop giving to him. And then there's me...who did something as simple as supposedly talk shit and I got booted the hell out. I needed you to be there for me when I was making some enormous life changes...but you couldn't do that for me b/c you had to be neutral. I have given so much, and while I do appreciate the little that you have done for me, it does not even come close to equaling what I have done for you.
Let me just throw in there how months before I was getting married, when money was tight, I loaned you money with the promise that you would pay me back. Now, more than a year later, I have yet to see that money. You couldn't man up and tell your mom how you borrowed from me through out the summer, in order for her to give you some out of your financial aid. Just because I have a great job doesn't mean that I have tons of money floating around. When you want to go out and I can't...that should be a sign that maybe I actually am more broke than you. And mine isn't b/c I had fun, now can't pay bills, and won't ask the people I live with for money.
You're great at helping w/our new business. Aside from that I've just come to realize that we have grown to be completely different people whose relationship has to change. It can no longer be whatever it was before. I'm done not being treated somewhat equal to how I treat others. I will no longer be walked on and taken advantage of.
Things and people change and grow...I guess that is what life has done to us. Don't tell me you miss me, because if you truly did you'd show it more. And don't hassle me for not contacting you...what reason have you given me to want to? Remember when I tried to ask you about stuff before? You said you didn't want to talk about it...that's fine, we don't have to. I just did.