Here I sit...reflecting back a little, ok a lot. On where things have gone over the past few months. To think that just a little over 2 months ago I was on track to be someone's wife. I was wearing a ring and playing a role that I just truly wasn't ready for....especially not with that person. It's funny how things work out in the end. And even weirder is to think that until a few weeks ago someone viewed me and treated me as their property...and I let it happen! WOW!! I'm glad I was able to walk away from both of those sitations. Both weren't right for me. Both were not who I am or what I deserve. I'm glad that through the second one I was keeping myself open to other people and other experiences...b/c that way I was still keeping some part of myself.
Now I am going through things that justify to me why I walked away from both sitations...from both guys. Every day it seems there is a reminder. I can't believe I let myself get so lost in them that I forgot who I was. Not only did I forget who I was, the whole real me never got a chance to come out. I'm slowly but surely realizing that I have to be me...and the next "him" has to like me, ALL of me. If he doesn't, this just won't work. Half of me gets that and is trying to act on it, while the other half is falling back into bad habits and adapting to what that person wants. I'm fighting it every step of the way. I'm trying to make sure "he" will get to know the real me...not the version that molds itself to this person. If I do that neither of us would be happy in the long run. It's hard, but possible and I think whom ever the next "him" is will appreciate it.
That's why w/this new person I'm dating we're taking things slow. Truly getting to know eachother. I think it's the first time I've not only done that, but have been able to do that. It's the first time I've met an adult who's willing to do that. Seems that just about everyone else I've dated either I didn't know I was supposed to do that b/c of inexperience, or they didn't want to do that and I just gave in. Now I'm asking lots of questions, and trying not to be afraid of the questions that pop into my head. If I want to know something I'm asking it...and not making up excuses as to why I want to know it either. And I'm hoping for...no expecting the same from him. I wouldn't want him to be afraid to ask me anything, but I can't be afraid of what's being asked either. It's a great feeling. Very empowering...and it gives me hope that there are healthy relationships out there. lol
Speaking of being empowered...today I kept my word to myself. Through this whole break-up I've really only shown back bone when it comes to leaving him and staying gone. I've been a bit of a push-over otherwise. But something happened last week that really made me open my eyes and realize that I've been foolishly making myself believe a lie. And I've also foolishly been being nice when I no longer needed to. I owe nothing, I have already given too much. So with that under my belt I kept my word to myself and I called two utilties today to get them taken out of my name. One will be done tomorrow and the other will be done on my next day off. I will be taking the others out of my name slowly but surely as well. When I advised him of this he first tried guilt, by saying things like "gee, thanks" and "great timing leaving when I'm unemployed!" Then he tried using love, by asking me if we could talk about getting back together. When that didn't work he turned to good ole hate/anger by telling me that he hates my guts! His words were a little harsher...but I softened them for here. Again with the justification! I can no longer let myself get walked upon. I've put up with enough already, now he gets to feel what it's like to be taking care of everything, I'm done doing it.
What else to ramble about? Oh, I'm surprising myself in this whole dating thing. Usually I go w/the flow and push ahead a little faster than I probably should. A very close friend of mine said that this new guy seems to be everything I'm looking for...and while that may be, I'm still going to take it slow. Get to know myself better first. Yes, I see real potential in this...and that's why I'm going to make sure to take things at an appropriate pace. Not too slow or fast, but at just the right speed as to not potentially doom us. lol I don't feel like going through the drama and ups and downs I have in my past...well all relationships. If I chose to get into another relationship any time soon I want to make sure I've thought it out all the way, and so has he. I want to make sure that he really is the complete package and that I really am for him. Next time around, I don't want either of us settling. No matter who it is I'm dating...be it this guy or not.
I'm still dwelling on this whole concept of someone being everything that a person could be looking for. Did I get so used to dating guys who weren't right for me that I can't grasp that there are nice men out there? Is it such an obscure idea? I think i'm slowly starting to warm up to the idea. I'm not saying that he's perfect...i'm sure he has his flaws, but for once they're aren't things that i have to rationalize, justify, or try to deal with or over look. I don't have to hide things from my friends or family! I can be open w/who he is, and what i'm doing w/him. That hasn't happened in a long time. It's a very nice change.
Honestly though, it actually kind of scares the shit out of me. lol I think i'm a little afraid to open up to someone who seems genuinely great. It's like i am waiting for there to be something wrong b/c there always has been in the past. But that's not fair to do...to either party. Really though, i don't want to start reading too much into anything. Better to just ride it out and see how it goes. I think i'm going to take this leap. Go for whatever happens, whatever comes. Not be afraid, and not be closed off. Just take the chance that i keep telling other people to take! Whether it leads to something or not, i shouldn't hold back b/c of the possibility that i'll get hurt or that nothing will come of it. I'm going to jump in the deep end...
Wish me luck!
