To the Top

Not sure why that title, but it popped into my head and I went with it. Today was a rough morning, and I'm not really sure why. I missed waking up to you...I missed your arms around me. I wish that you could have been there and we could have had a sick day and just stayed in bed all day cuddling and talking. After this past weekend I just realized how short of time we have left, and how much it's going to suck again when you're not there at all. Right now we have the luxury of seeing each other every now and then, but when you're not there at all...I truly fear the thought. I am forcing myself to remember it, and face it as a reality even though I don't want to. I know that I need to otherwise this will hurt more than it already does.
But back to today...I'm doing my best to make it a good one. I've been decently busy at work, so that's helping. Thinking of the things I have coming up is helping a bit, but what's not helping is that St. Patrick's Day is this Wednesday, and I don't think I'll be having my annual party. It's always been my favorite of the year, but alas...looks like I won't be having it. That's got me a little down. And the other thing is that I've been trying to see a friend for a few weeks now, and you're going to see her this weekend. I so badly want to go with you, both because I want to see her, but also b/c I want to spend the extra time w/you doing something outside of the house. But I'll just do something to keep myself busy instead. Sometimes I forget that while it's hard for me to see you living life so normally at times, that I do the same thing to keep myself going...so it probably isn't as easy as it looks. Your upcoming trip has helped me realize that. So a sarcastic thanks for getting to her before I could ;o), and a real thanks for helping me to realize something else I truly needed to.

Life Comes at You Hard...

Things going right in my life:
-I'm live, healthy, and beautiful
-I'm intelligent, and even have a degree to show for it
-I have a great job, that pays well
-I have a great roof over my head, that doesn't cost too much & is in a nice area
-I have a great, reliable car to drive that I'm not behind payments on
-Many people love me and care about me
-I have doggies that adore the heck out of me
-I have food to eat
-I have a gym membership, which I use, and can relieve stress at
-I lost the weight I gained over the holidays
-I have gorgeous red hair
-I have tons of shoes I love
-I have Partylite smell good stuff all around the house

Well that maxes my list for right now! I thought that if maybe I listed things out like that I'd feel a little better...but alas, it did not help as much as I would have hoped. So here's the down:
-My love life is rocky
-My family life is rocky
-My financial life is rocky
-My landlord life is rocky
-My sanity is being tested

While this list is shorter, it is far more impactful on my psychy, state of mind and emotional well being. My tenant is giving me a headache both financially and other, things are complicated w/my boyfr...the man I love, my mom has a large tumor that she needs surgery for, my cousin is getting married and has booted me out as not just MOH but also from knowing what's going on at all, I really would like to be out of debt far more than I am but I keep screwing that up, and I'm still dealing w/the remanants of my health issues. So I'm trying my best to keep it together and not snap. But work has been a tad stressful lately, so I'm really just doing my best here.

My cousin hurt me first when she said that her sister was going to be Maid of Honor. After I made her mine, and after all I went through as her as mine...then she said I could be Matron of Honor. But then she went dress shopping w/out me. Now I hear FROM OTHER PEOPLE that she's set a date and is having it in Vegas. I'm so taken a-back that she is doing this that I think I'm too in shock to be hurt just yet. This doesn't sound at all like what she'd said she wanted. So it makes me wonder why the change. Also, the fact that she's not even keeping me in the loop on the little things tells me all I need to know. I guess I'm not important enough in her life to let me know what's going on...or have the common deceny to let me know that she doesn't want me as MOH and why. But I guess having that kind of common deceny is something that comes with age and experience. So as to not eat my own words, I'm going to message a certain someone and have the common deceny to tell them why I can no longer have them in my life.

Ok, that's done, I'm feeling a little better about me. Next, thing...Nick! This just all genuinly sucks. Every time I talk w/other people I get more and more insight into what this might be/mean...but then when I'm around him everything just gets fuzzy. I've been trying to be better, realistic and asking/saying what I need to. But it's hard b/c I love him, and he still sort of acts like he did when we were together. I don't know what he's truly thinking or feeling and I don't think he does either. I think the notion that he's scared and confused is very true. I feel that he's faced with having to grow up and do the real life thing and doesn't know how to deal with that. It would explain why he all of a sudden changed how he was thinking about us, and it would explain why he changed his mind on the house, and it would explain a lot of other things. I still don't get though how he truly can't see that if he misses me so much and this is so hard on him...how he doesn't see that this can work?! It hurts the most knowing that he is getting in not only his own way, but in the way of us happening. From the beginning I lept in head first and decided that I was going to do my best to not be scared and just let things happen as they will. I was going to push myself not to inhibit myself. I thought he was doing the same...but now to feel that he is acting scared and playing it safe hurts. I want him, but I want him to want me for more than just something he needs for comfort. I don't want to be what he uses to get through till graduation and then he drops me b/c he doesn't know how to face real life anymore. Yes, things between us got serious...and so what?!?! That's what life does...it's gets real, and it gets serious. And it does take work...sometime we don't want to have to do it! But that's what life is about. Rewards don't just come to us...they come to those who work for it, IN ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE! You can't just say I know, but then only do it when it comes to one thing. I love him, and I'm willing to work for this...but I won't be had. I truly hope he realizes what this is and could be (even if it's only for a short time). Because letting something this great go to waste is a shame and is something to be regretted (and I preach no regrets, just lessons learned...so that's saying a lot). I know a small part of this is that I want to be wanted...I don't want to be undesirable. I want to know that I'm not just someone else's good enough for right now. I've been that before and it sucks. I can't let myself do that again. I can feel that he loves me in how he touches me and looks at me...but sometimes when he opens his mouth he gives me the opposite of what he just showed. Men, sigh....

Ok, I need to get some work done. I'll write more about the other things later. I'm not in the mood to deal with it all at once.

Holding Out Hope

It's funny how someone can seem to want something, but just won't call it that. As long as they don't call it what it is...it's like then they don't have to admit what they want.
My reason for this blog is b/c I'm going to put out in writing what it is I think is going on. I'm under the understanding (lol) that we are working on ourselves to work on us. I'm under the understanding that there is a possibility for us still. I'm hopeful that once things calm down a bit we can do some real work on us. Showing each other (and ourselves) how we've grown. I have faith that this isn't the end for us, and that we still have much more to do together. And I'm comfortable w/the fact that may mean only a short period of time. I just know that I can't let us go down w/o a fight and that this is not the way for it to end. I can feel that there is so much more love left between us to share. I can feel that we still click just as well as we did at the beginning. I just feel like we lost sight of that somewhere along the lines...like life just got in the way. We got too comfortable, forgot that not only does a relationship take work, but being a compatible human (for others in general) takes time and work, too. I am hopeful that the way we are acting now means that we still want each other.
I am hopeful that we are still alive...