Road to Weight Loss #6

I don't have a lot of time...things are super busy here at work. But I'll post a quick update. This past weekend I tried to be as good as possible, considering it was a 4 day holiday weekend for me! lol But I'm happy w/the results. I have slacked the past few days though...so to the gym for the next few I go. :o) I did a killer ab work out on Friday, and while I paid for it for a few days, it felt great.


With out further adieu, let's see where I stand:


Start Weight    197.2
This morning - 189.6
Difference          7.6 (3.85% down from the start)

This kind of number is great to see. Totally motivational, and let's me know I'm getting closer and closer to my goal (which by the way is 170...anything past that is just an added bonus). I've been reading some great stuff online that's giving me some great tips. I've already put a few into practice, and they're really working for me.
OK, back to the grind. Have a great day everyone. :o)

Road to Weight Loss #5

Good morning webby world. This has been an interesting week so far. Monday and Tuesday both started off sort of crappy, but this morning...this morning had a GREAT start. It seriously has me giddy as a school girl. lol And in the interest of not jinxing it, I ain't saying nothin'! lol Just know that something made me happy...no matter what it meant, or where it leads. :o)



And with that, let's see where I stand:

Start Weight    197.2
This morning - 192.6
Difference           4.6 (2.33% down from the start)


I really feel like I'm jamming now. I can thank getting back on track w/eating healthier and really hitting the gym harder. I went three times last week and stepped up my routine. I even drug my roommate w/me 2 of those times. I'm sure he hates me and is grateful to me for dragging him out. lol I know I always feel better about myself after I go...and since he's currently unemployed and feeling a bit down b/c of that, I figure that this is a nice little pick me up.
In other news, my tenant is moving out finally. And she's even said she's going to pay me some money today to start paying back the balance that she owes me. That's super nice. And so tomorrow I'll meet w/my real estate agent to start the process to list my house. So, if anyone is interested (or knows someone who is looking) in a nice home in Adelanto (high desert)...mine is for sale. I'm asking $135K, and if that seems like something in your price range, hit me up for details.
I recently saw a picture of an old co-worker/friend who I was very close with that I'm no longer friends with. She was one of my bridesmaids, and her daughter was a flower girl. That's how close I was with her; and so when the friendship was lost (very complicated and a touchy subject for me), I was VERY upset. Seeing that picture yesterday totally brought back this flood of pain over it. Totally brought my day down. Then I heard a uplifting song this morning & on another radio station they were talking about "Letting Go" (you could text/email/call in with your grudge to help you get it off your chest). Both of those things really made me open my eyes to things. That really had me thinking of what grudges I still may be holding that I am not letting myself see. There are a few that I can think of...and while I'm not quite ready to get over all of them, the majority of them I am ready to. So with that I say that with the exception of woodchuck and nieko, I am letting go. All is forgiven and I'm truly over it. Now with the situation with this friend, I am still hurt by how things played out, and I'm not saying I'd welcome her back with open arms...but I am saying that I am no longer holding the grudge. She seems happy, and I pray that she really is. That goes for all the others I was holding this grudge with. You're you and I'm me...and that's ok. We don't have to be friends, and that's fine. I just wish that others could see it the same as me.
So with that I have a message for anyone who's reading this: life's too short to hold on to grudges, especially ones that aren't really as bad as we may have once thought So let go of the little things, learn to forgive as soon as your heart lets you, and I promise that you'll live a happier life...I know that my doing so has already given me a different perspective on my life. A happier, freer feeling and outlook! :o)


~Jenna

The Road to Weight Loss #4

Good morning web world. After not feeling so hot yesterday, I am back in action today. My tummy is feeling much better. I do believe that fried food and I no longer get along. I thought maybe it was just Monday night's meal, but last night I wasn't feeling so hot again after another attempt. So with that bit of knowledge under my belt, I can proceed with this diet even more smoothly.


And with that, let's see where I stand:

Start Weight    197.2
This morning - 195.0
Difference          2.2 (1.12% down from the start)

I have really started hitting the gym more often, and adding more exercises back into my routine. I have no doubt that soon I'll be back to the work outs I used to do. It was weird walking back into the weight room the other day. I actually missed that smell of cold air, sweat, and determination (and steroids I'm sure lol). My legs were aching that night, but by the next day they were thanking me. I can't wait to really get back to this work out grind. While I'm currently in 4th place on my work place weight loss competition, I have no doubt soon I'll start fighting for that #1 spot. :o)

Thanks again for every one's support in my efforts. I'm happy to report that my mom's b/f is back at home and seems to be doing better after his recent hospital stay. We're praying things stay that way!

~Jenna

The Road to Weight Loss #3

Good Morning Blog/FB World:




This past week has been pretty rewarding. I got my butt back in the gym finally. I was only able to go once between the weigh-ins...but it felt so completely amazing. The best part of it was pushing myself to do things before I only half-assed. I made my self runner longer than I usually would have. Kept motivating myself by saying motivational things in my head. At first I started to tell myself to do it to b/c I want to look good for a certain someone when we get together, or to do it to show my ex what he's missing...but I quickly stopped and asked myself why the hell do I care what anyone thinks? Especially an ex?! I started telling myself even louder and more firmly to do it for me! That I'll be happier with myself if I do it. It's funny b/c before I didn't think that I'd be enough of a motivation to make myself run a little longer, or do more sit ups, and so on...but I am damnit. Right before writing this I read my friend Tabitha's blog, in which she talks about a Vlog (video log) she did recently talking about self-image. She said so many things I myself have once felt/thought, or still do to this day. It made me smile inside to see that not only am I not alone in my self-image thinking...but that I've grown as a person, and do love myself more than I used to. That's such a great feeling. So thank you for that Tabitha! :o)
And so, as I go on my weight loss journey, I take the little accomplishments and use them to keep me going. No longer will I see them as things I could have done better. I'm sticking to this and doing the best I can and it's starting to show, even if only a little at a time.
And with that, let's see where I stand:

Start Weight        197.2
Tues morning    - 195.8
Difference              1.4 (.71% down from the start)

That's what I like to see...loss, not gain. And some people have already started noticing the loss on certain areas of my body. Hearing people say that is a great motivator. I went to the gym yesterday, and am going again today. I added a few new goals to my SparkPeople.com account, one of them is to work out at least 4x's a week and the other is to make at least 2 of those work outs in the gym. So far, I'm right on track with this goal. I foresee my bumping both of those goals up in the near future. :o)

Thank you to all of those who have been nothing but supportive. Your efforts are greatly appreciated.


~Jenna

The Road to Weight Loss #2

Good Afternoon Blog/FB World:

Well this week was a little harder than the one before. I had a lot of social events come up that made it a tad hard to stick to my calorie counting, not to mention I didn't go to Vegas and walk up and down the strip to burn it all off. lol
So let's see where I stand:              
                Start Weight     197.2
                This morning  - 196.0    (that's nearly +5 lbs from last week)
                Difference          1.2     (.61% down from the start)
Not exactly the results I was hoping for, but considering how bad I was, I'm happy that I didn't gain anything over the starting weight. And since exercise starts this week I have faith that next week's report will be better. Took the dogs for a short walk this a.m., and am going to hit the gym up tomorrow on my way home. Probably take them for another short walk tomorrow morning. It's good for both them and myself.
In other news, I have some family stuff going on. My uncle had a routine MRI recently, and the doctor found a spot. So he'll back on August 23rd to find out if the cancer is back in his brain. I'd appreciate every one's thoughts and prayers for him right now. I'm worried for him, but I have faith that we will be able to face and deal with whatever is brought to us.
OK, that is all for now. I'll blog again soon.

~Jenna

The Road to Weight Loss

This week was weigh in numero uno. And since I plan on never seeing this number again, I'll go ahead and post my progress in numbers and percent. I started at 197.2. YIKES!! Yep, that's right, I was nearing the big 2-0-0! Blah!! Just like me, others at work weren't very happy with their number either, so we all decided to do a biggest loser competition, with a $10 buy in (which reminds me, I need to buy in along with several others lol). Over the course of the first week we got 10 participants, so the winner stands to make a pretty decent profit. This was exactly the motivation I needed to get going w/restarting my healthy lifestyle. Thanks to my friend Tabitha (who is tracking her own weight loss via her blog at http://probablytabitha.com/) I discovered this great site, http://www.sparkpeople.com/. I saw how sucessful she was being and decided to check it out. I was impressed with it, and signed up (it's free). It helps me track my daily caloric intake, water drank, and exercise performed.
With the help of this site, I made my weight loss game plan. Since I'm out of practice on making healthy choices when it comes to food, I decided the first two weeks are dedicated to retraining myself to choose healthy stuff no matter where I go. This sure was a test considering that I spent two weekends in Vegas. But I'm happy to report that in week one I lost 6 pounds. Yep, you read that right...SIX POUNDS!! WOO HOO!!! That's 3.04% down from the week before. I very rarely went over my daily alloted calories. And even when I did splurge, it wasn't that bad b/c my other food choices had been super healthy. I know that those results won't be typical, but it was super rewarding after the hard work I'd put in during the prior week.
Ok, so now this next week will be spent doing the same...getting back on the healthy eating horst. After that I'll re-introduce the gym. I'm going to start light for the first week, just cardio. The second week I'll add some other exercises I do on machines. The third week I'll bring back weight lifting exercises. And finally at the fourth week I'm going to throw at least 2 days of P90x at home.
The competition ends on October 26th. I'd like to see myself in the mid-160's (which was my original goal before I got so off track). Once I reach my goal I'll probably scale back on the aggresive work outs, but I figure by then I'll be back in the habit of working out that it won't matter.
My number one thing to avoid: splurging on days that I'm going to the gym. That was the bad habit I developed before, and I am NOT going to again!
Wish me luck all! I'm anxious about introducing exercise, but I have faith in myself!!

To the Top

Not sure why that title, but it popped into my head and I went with it. Today was a rough morning, and I'm not really sure why. I missed waking up to you...I missed your arms around me. I wish that you could have been there and we could have had a sick day and just stayed in bed all day cuddling and talking. After this past weekend I just realized how short of time we have left, and how much it's going to suck again when you're not there at all. Right now we have the luxury of seeing each other every now and then, but when you're not there at all...I truly fear the thought. I am forcing myself to remember it, and face it as a reality even though I don't want to. I know that I need to otherwise this will hurt more than it already does.
But back to today...I'm doing my best to make it a good one. I've been decently busy at work, so that's helping. Thinking of the things I have coming up is helping a bit, but what's not helping is that St. Patrick's Day is this Wednesday, and I don't think I'll be having my annual party. It's always been my favorite of the year, but alas...looks like I won't be having it. That's got me a little down. And the other thing is that I've been trying to see a friend for a few weeks now, and you're going to see her this weekend. I so badly want to go with you, both because I want to see her, but also b/c I want to spend the extra time w/you doing something outside of the house. But I'll just do something to keep myself busy instead. Sometimes I forget that while it's hard for me to see you living life so normally at times, that I do the same thing to keep myself going...so it probably isn't as easy as it looks. Your upcoming trip has helped me realize that. So a sarcastic thanks for getting to her before I could ;o), and a real thanks for helping me to realize something else I truly needed to.

Life Comes at You Hard...

Things going right in my life:
-I'm live, healthy, and beautiful
-I'm intelligent, and even have a degree to show for it
-I have a great job, that pays well
-I have a great roof over my head, that doesn't cost too much & is in a nice area
-I have a great, reliable car to drive that I'm not behind payments on
-Many people love me and care about me
-I have doggies that adore the heck out of me
-I have food to eat
-I have a gym membership, which I use, and can relieve stress at
-I lost the weight I gained over the holidays
-I have gorgeous red hair
-I have tons of shoes I love
-I have Partylite smell good stuff all around the house

Well that maxes my list for right now! I thought that if maybe I listed things out like that I'd feel a little better...but alas, it did not help as much as I would have hoped. So here's the down:
-My love life is rocky
-My family life is rocky
-My financial life is rocky
-My landlord life is rocky
-My sanity is being tested

While this list is shorter, it is far more impactful on my psychy, state of mind and emotional well being. My tenant is giving me a headache both financially and other, things are complicated w/my boyfr...the man I love, my mom has a large tumor that she needs surgery for, my cousin is getting married and has booted me out as not just MOH but also from knowing what's going on at all, I really would like to be out of debt far more than I am but I keep screwing that up, and I'm still dealing w/the remanants of my health issues. So I'm trying my best to keep it together and not snap. But work has been a tad stressful lately, so I'm really just doing my best here.

My cousin hurt me first when she said that her sister was going to be Maid of Honor. After I made her mine, and after all I went through as her as mine...then she said I could be Matron of Honor. But then she went dress shopping w/out me. Now I hear FROM OTHER PEOPLE that she's set a date and is having it in Vegas. I'm so taken a-back that she is doing this that I think I'm too in shock to be hurt just yet. This doesn't sound at all like what she'd said she wanted. So it makes me wonder why the change. Also, the fact that she's not even keeping me in the loop on the little things tells me all I need to know. I guess I'm not important enough in her life to let me know what's going on...or have the common deceny to let me know that she doesn't want me as MOH and why. But I guess having that kind of common deceny is something that comes with age and experience. So as to not eat my own words, I'm going to message a certain someone and have the common deceny to tell them why I can no longer have them in my life.

Ok, that's done, I'm feeling a little better about me. Next, thing...Nick! This just all genuinly sucks. Every time I talk w/other people I get more and more insight into what this might be/mean...but then when I'm around him everything just gets fuzzy. I've been trying to be better, realistic and asking/saying what I need to. But it's hard b/c I love him, and he still sort of acts like he did when we were together. I don't know what he's truly thinking or feeling and I don't think he does either. I think the notion that he's scared and confused is very true. I feel that he's faced with having to grow up and do the real life thing and doesn't know how to deal with that. It would explain why he all of a sudden changed how he was thinking about us, and it would explain why he changed his mind on the house, and it would explain a lot of other things. I still don't get though how he truly can't see that if he misses me so much and this is so hard on him...how he doesn't see that this can work?! It hurts the most knowing that he is getting in not only his own way, but in the way of us happening. From the beginning I lept in head first and decided that I was going to do my best to not be scared and just let things happen as they will. I was going to push myself not to inhibit myself. I thought he was doing the same...but now to feel that he is acting scared and playing it safe hurts. I want him, but I want him to want me for more than just something he needs for comfort. I don't want to be what he uses to get through till graduation and then he drops me b/c he doesn't know how to face real life anymore. Yes, things between us got serious...and so what?!?! That's what life does...it's gets real, and it gets serious. And it does take work...sometime we don't want to have to do it! But that's what life is about. Rewards don't just come to us...they come to those who work for it, IN ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE! You can't just say I know, but then only do it when it comes to one thing. I love him, and I'm willing to work for this...but I won't be had. I truly hope he realizes what this is and could be (even if it's only for a short time). Because letting something this great go to waste is a shame and is something to be regretted (and I preach no regrets, just lessons learned...so that's saying a lot). I know a small part of this is that I want to be wanted...I don't want to be undesirable. I want to know that I'm not just someone else's good enough for right now. I've been that before and it sucks. I can't let myself do that again. I can feel that he loves me in how he touches me and looks at me...but sometimes when he opens his mouth he gives me the opposite of what he just showed. Men, sigh....

Ok, I need to get some work done. I'll write more about the other things later. I'm not in the mood to deal with it all at once.

Holding Out Hope

It's funny how someone can seem to want something, but just won't call it that. As long as they don't call it what it is...it's like then they don't have to admit what they want.
My reason for this blog is b/c I'm going to put out in writing what it is I think is going on. I'm under the understanding (lol) that we are working on ourselves to work on us. I'm under the understanding that there is a possibility for us still. I'm hopeful that once things calm down a bit we can do some real work on us. Showing each other (and ourselves) how we've grown. I have faith that this isn't the end for us, and that we still have much more to do together. And I'm comfortable w/the fact that may mean only a short period of time. I just know that I can't let us go down w/o a fight and that this is not the way for it to end. I can feel that there is so much more love left between us to share. I can feel that we still click just as well as we did at the beginning. I just feel like we lost sight of that somewhere along the lines...like life just got in the way. We got too comfortable, forgot that not only does a relationship take work, but being a compatible human (for others in general) takes time and work, too. I am hopeful that the way we are acting now means that we still want each other.
I am hopeful that we are still alive...

Reflection

I've spent the last few days talking w/a decent amount of people...some are more just that they want to know what's going on, but a select few are really concerned and are giving insight, great insight. Things are very uncertain right now...I'd have to say that the only things I'm certain of are that I love him with all of my heart, and that I'm not letting us go down without a fight.
I am starting to see more clearly what I was doing wrong...and what I need to do to work on me to fix this on my end. I know that I was pushing an agenda that I may not have necessarily been ready for either. But b/c of my own issues, I was pushing it even if I didn't realize it. And that was wrong of me. And to make matters worse, I was being selfish and pig headed and causing issues b/c I wasn't getting my way. I can't say I'm surprised I did that, since I'm an only child and need to work on being selfish...but I'm not happy I did it to one of those people who doesn't deserve it. And so by admitting it, I take the first step toward overcoming it. I know now that it's not just about what I want...there are others to take into account as well, the most important one being him.
Another thing I was doing wrong was putting others before him and us. While this is necessary sometimes, I know I did it far more than I should have. And I'm truly sorry for that. It is definetly something I'm working on. And something I know now I wasn't happy doing it at the time, I just hid it from myself.
I know too that I need to make sure the other person knows I truly do need them. I have lived most of my life as Ms. Independent, and while that can be appealing to an extent, people ultimetly need to feel needed, too.
There are a lot of things I'm going over in my head, and am resolving to work on. I know that neither of us were acting as great as we both could have been. But that doesn't mean we're not capable of it...and it doesn't mean that we won't work. I'm going to fight for what I want, until I find no reason to fight anymore. I waited 5 years for this chance...it's definetly worth waiting a little while longer for and even more worth fighting for!
I'm sorry for all I did wrong and I am growing from this...

roller coaster

This weekend was supposed to be about love and us...and somehow it turned into the opposite. Somehow it turned into the end...or is it? I'm not sure what's really all going on. I just don't understand that something that felt so right, and that clicked so well, can just be over...done...not right. There is so much love there...and isn't love supposed to concur all. Are we really that stubborn that we are going to get in our own ways in such a drastic manner? Or is it really the end? Is it really for the best? I don't know. I keep thinking how there were things that were causing me to be unhappy...but now that it seems to be over, my heart is asking, were things really that bad or was I just not getting my way and I was causing my unhappiness? I'm beginning to feel more and more like that's a pretty accurate depiction of it...how I got in my own damn way. I knew that come May/June we could go our separate ways, and I had started to think about what that actually looked like, but now that it's here...I didn't imagine it as clearly as it feels. I feel desperation, loss, anger, pain, regret, hope, despair, desire, agony, motivation and a lack there of...all at the same time. There are others, and on top of that I'm worrying about him and what he's feeling. I felt (and still do) that we were so right for each other, and that we'd "be together till the end" b/c of that. But now I don't know if he felt/feels that way. Maybe I was fooling myself. I think I was wanting certain things to hide from the fact that it's not just all about me in this thing. Being an only child got the better of me. I truly feel I lost touch of the fact that he's here and has wants and needs, too. It's not all about what I want all of the time...and while I thought I was being supportive and helpful, I was still pushing what I wanted.
What did I want?!?! That's a curious thing. I thought I wanted something; but really, all I want is him in my life. If right now that means only as a friend (or whatever), so be it. I was so dumb to not realize what I was doing. And that maybe I was causing some of what was making me unhappy. I know for sure though that I'm going to have to face this and try not to be scared of what's to come. I need to take the leaps of faith and just try things. Have faith that things will work out as they're supposed to and "for the best". May not help how I'm feeling now, but I have to have faith that no matter what, I will be happy again once all is said and done.
Here's a cryptic secret though: I'm a fighter!

~RedJB

Conflicted

I'm not sure if this is fate, or karma or what...but I hate this conflicted feeling. I feel as though I'm reverting b/c I feel like, "what am I doing wrong? Did I do something?" And I know I shouldn't feel like that...but the actions not really matching the words, and the change in behavior is throwing me for a loop. I don't know what to do...I guess I'll just go see New Moon again and sing some karaoke! Hopefully that will bring some temporary relief. Honestly, at this point I truly want and need it.