The Holiday Season

The Holiday Season is officially upon us, and for some reason it really has me thinking more than usual. And yesterday I was very much in this mood to blog...but today I just can't seem to find the motivation. Maybe b/c I know that no one is reading this, or maybe it's b/c those things I needed some clarity on seem like less of an important topic. Who knows?! But I'll do my best to get me writting, b/c I know that I need to and it is good for the soul to get things out there.
Recently I've been realizing how much stuff I've been blinding myself to with people. Just accepting their word at face value...and then I find out there actions are totally saying a different thing. For awhile I'd ignored this, but I can't seem to anymore. The two faced-ness and double standards are getting old. Plus, when some people try to stir up drama for those who are near and dear to me...I start to get protective and their words mean less and less. I don't even feel bad doing it either. I'm really trying to be involved in as little drama as possible and let people live their lives out the way that they want to. And unless it's actually destructive, I'm not going to say anything with out being asked and without it being conducive for me to do so. But when you try to start drama, I'm just not going to stand for it. Whew...that feels better!
Next, I think that I am currently working on some personal issues in regards to romantic relationships. I felt, for awhile, that I really wanted this to go to the next level. And when there were times that I thought it would, and it didn't...I'd get upset. It prevented me from truly having a good time. Myself made me (lol) evaluate why I wanted it so badly. I wasn't able to give myself a good enough answer. While I don't think I'd be comfortable waiting nine years...waiting a few isn't so bad. Things don't need to be rushed. As long as they feel right, that's all that matters. For once I'm actually starting to see that. As long as I don't become an accessory (and I don't start viewing him as one), things will be ok. I am understanding more the importance of being in the right place in life, before just jumping into things. I realize now that was one of the major mistakes I've made in the past...probably what doomed most of my relationships.
My next thought is that I'm looking to expand on what I do in life...but I'm having difficulty doing so. I think one of the harder things is admitting what I want to do...and that I may not be that great at it/them. And thus, I may not go as far as I'd like. Also, I may have to ask for help, and that's not always the easiest thing for me. Lately I've been getting more and more interested in things I used to do in the past, such as singing, acting, artsy stuff like that. I feel like somewhere along the way I've lost myself and I need to get back on track with who I want to be. I have a creative side that I need to express, and I think after years of repressing it I think the pressure has finally gotten so great that the bottle cap is about to burst off. I think one of the biggest fears I have is that those I care the most about won't understand why I'm going this...and won't be supportive. It's easy to say it...but it's harder to mean it. And I can usually tell when certain people mean it or not. I just feel like there are so many things out there that relate to me better than what I'm doing right now...and I'd be a fool not to persue them.
A few random thoughts just ventured into my brain. The first is that I need to learn to start trusting myself. And I have a confession...while I'm a trust worthy and reliable person...I would really like one of the qualities people use to describe to be, "always true to her word!" I don't want to be a slacker, who people don't know if they can rely on or not. This means, starting to be true to my word when it comes to myself. But as Leann Rhimes put it, "I will learn to love, I will learn to forgive what I can not change...but I will change whatever I, whenever I can!" And I completely agree that, "it's easier to please the world, than it is to please myself!" And I take that thought with me on my journey of growing as a person.
Sometimes, on the journey of life, we stop and smell the roses, and then we continue on...growing and changing. Sometimes that stop is brief, and sometimes it is long. Either way, we shouldn't be afraid once we get rolling again, as long as we are rolling forward toward a better us.

Fair weathered friends...

It's amazing how many people really are only fair weather friends now-a-days. I guess my trimming of the fat over the last year wasn't really as close as it could have been. I recently made an actual cut of a "friend" that I should have cut a long time ago. Man does it feel good. I really should have done this sooner. It was easier to deal with than I thought it was going to be. But then again, maybe that was the timing of it. She was able to move on to her next victim, I mean best friend, and I'm able to move on w/my life. It was a less expensive lesson learned than the one w/my ex...but it was worth every cent. Now I have things to look back on and learn from...and try not to ever let happen again.
As my boss would say...I've lost some more weight! lol And I can really feel it this time around! Not that I couldn't before...but maybe now it was the last of the heavy loads to be taken off at this point in my life.
I read a quote earlier that I'll leave you with, I feel as though it really sums up some of my philosophies on life:

"Happiness DOES NOT mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to look past the imperfections."

People Who Graduate High School, But Never Leave It

So in the past couple of years I reconnected w/a few friends from my high school/Coachella Valley days. One of them, when asked by her husband why we had stopped talking, told him that she couldn't remember why. Well, I know exactly why...
There were a series of events that in their onset, had absolutely nothing to do with her...just mutual friends. Some how, along the way of these events unfolding, she decided to take sides. It would have been easy to remain neutral, but instead she took whatever they were telling her as the only scenario, and confronted me about something I wasn't even doing. So it's not really like we just drifted apart, she got up in my face, I stood my ground, and the friendship ended when we were seperated and she walked away. There was no love lost when a few years later I was out at a mall in the Valley with some friends, and we crossed paths and she didn't even smile or look at any of us.
But a few years ago she found me on myspace, and wanted to rekindle the friendship. I figured that what was behind us was behind us and it was high school bull. We talked every now and then, I went out to visit her once, but mostly we texted or talked via myspace. Looking back now I realize that what she did in high school would again come back up....in two seperate ways.
First, what started the friendship being on the rocks before the big blow up was her and 2 of our very close mutual friends forgetting my b-day, but planning a party for hers which was 6 days later. It wasn't until well into the school day, once other people had wished me happy b-day and i'd received a few gifts, did any of them say anything to me (we'd seen each other several times that day, too). I was upset and hurt, more so though, by the other two b/c they were planning a suprise party, than by her.
However, in the course of rekindled friendship I have gone to her baby shower, both her daughter's b-day parties, her husband's most recent b-day, and come out and stayed there for a few other things...she came to my house warming party, and that's been it. She didn't make it to my wedding b/c she was "sick", and perpetually lost the supposed gift. Then, she dropped off the face of the planet for nearly 2 months b/c she was prego sick...but didn't want to bother me b/c I had my own stress. She calls me her best friend, but isn't treating me like it. And then here we are...birthday season. That ill fated time that doomed us in the past. I have yet to hear from her since about two weeks before my birthday. I even texted her and commented on her myspace for her b-day, and haven't gotten a response. Now I'm supposed to be planning her baby shower in march w/a mutual friend, and I just can't help wondering WHY?!?! What will be the reward for this. Not to say I do things so that others will do something for me...but why am I going to put forth money, time and effort for someone who hasn't put forth really even one of those three on me?!
Second, this is where the title comes in to play...she and a few other mutual friends are fighting w/another friend from high school. I honestly have yet to find out what the real reason behind it is. It seems (from what I've heard) that my friend is taking the word of one of the involved parties as the only scenario again. She's defending her, got involved in the arguement, and is now at odds with the other person. Because of this, another friend got caught in the middle. B/c she associates w/these two girls, the other one assumed she was on their side (I suspect she would have been if asked to pick though). Some of the things I've heard coming from both sides of this is just so typical of high school drama. However, these girls are all older than I am. Three of the four of them have families and jobs, and more important things to deal with...however, they haven't grown up all the way. It's funny to sit back and watch this all unfold...watch them act like children. I get that we all want to have friends in our lives, but that doesn't mean that they are able to do everything for us and be there all the time like they were in high school. Just something we have to deal with.
Sigh...I guess my quest to find true friends will remain ongoing.
Wish me luck!

Getting Some Stuff Off My Chest

So recently it was someone's birthday. Our relationship has slowly been falterting over the last few months. But I went out anyway, expecting to make the best of the night. Things started off not too bad. However, when part way into the night this person's new friend claimed themselves to be the b-day girl's new best friend...I was done. I started hanging out w/other people I knew at our locale and I will admit, that I became somewhat of a bitch. I was done, I was drunk and I was done pussy-footing around issues and not being honest and open. I started calling her out on shit about how she was letting a "roommate" treat her. And I found out some things about how she'd let this person treat her through out the years they'd known each other. I called her out on how I took care of something for her and she didn't give me credit for it. Not that she had to, but to make it seem like she did something to take care of it to a close mutual friend was bullshit. You had no shame asking for the help, you should have no shame telling people when it was given.
Anyway, I don't like how I acted, nor do I like the fact that it took my getting drunk to say anything. And of course by now it's pent up and was alcohol fueled, so it didn't come out exactly the way I would have liked it. So here's my medium for that:

Back when we had our first falling out a lot of things happened that were messed up. On both sides. First I was DEEPLY hurt by the fact that it took you over a year to call me your best friend and this new person got that title after only 3 months. Also, when you heard I had been talking shit it was from a second party source...and you STILL didn't even confront me on it. You assumed (incorrectly) that I had just done it. I wasn't talking shit, I was venting frustration about a specific event. You could have asked me, or the 3 other people who were right there in front of me what had happened. Instead you went with what someone who was down the hall, (hiding) behind a closed door, listening to the TV heard...and then told someone else who told you. Some best friend you were to me.
And then I come to find out that you screwed around with my ex. Yeah, I'm not with him now. But the fact that when I had my issues with him you scolded me for it and said he was a great guy when you knew FULL well he wasn't, is insane of you to have done...and insane for me to forgive. Some best friend you were to me.
And then when I left my ex you couldn't pick sides. You were his friend still, and wished to remain neutral. At the time I understood b/c it was such a HUGE thing to deal with in leaving him that I didn't just have time to face the reality of what you were saying. Plus you were being a good friend and letting me stay with you. But what you were saying is that you can't put a great friend over a mediocre piece of booty. Some best friend you were to me.
Through out the years we've known each other, I have always tried to be there for you, my family has been there for you, and I've tried to help you with other things as well. Your bestie has been a shitty friend, and you've admitted it...yet, you still keep pursuing her and keep taking the shit she deals to you. And then the amazing "roommate" you have mouching off of you has given you even MORE shit through the years...and you still can't push him out of your life. You can't tell him no, you can't stop giving to him. And then there's me...who did something as simple as supposedly talk shit and I got booted the hell out. I needed you to be there for me when I was making some enormous life changes...but you couldn't do that for me b/c you had to be neutral. I have given so much, and while I do appreciate the little that you have done for me, it does not even come close to equaling what I have done for you.
Let me just throw in there how months before I was getting married, when money was tight, I loaned you money with the promise that you would pay me back. Now, more than a year later, I have yet to see that money. You couldn't man up and tell your mom how you borrowed from me through out the summer, in order for her to give you some out of your financial aid. Just because I have a great job doesn't mean that I have tons of money floating around. When you want to go out and I can't...that should be a sign that maybe I actually am more broke than you. And mine isn't b/c I had fun, now can't pay bills, and won't ask the people I live with for money.
You're great at helping w/our new business. Aside from that I've just come to realize that we have grown to be completely different people whose relationship has to change. It can no longer be whatever it was before. I'm done not being treated somewhat equal to how I treat others. I will no longer be walked on and taken advantage of.
Things and people change and grow...I guess that is what life has done to us. Don't tell me you miss me, because if you truly did you'd show it more. And don't hassle me for not contacting you...what reason have you given me to want to? Remember when I tried to ask you about stuff before? You said you didn't want to talk about it...that's fine, we don't have to. I just did.

Another Fitting Tarot- 8/19/09

In light of the fact that I'm meeting w/my ex today, for the first time in MONTHS to "catch up", I found this rather fitting:

The Tower card suggests that my alter ego today is the Survivor, whose superpower for revolution lies in my epiphany for change, brought on with the aid of a serious reality check. Today I have reached a turning point. It may be all over but the crying -- but I have the strength to move on and create a better situation for myself. You may say that I never saw it coming or learned the hard way, but with profound change comes new opportunity. One door closes -- another opens. So tear down the wall, and rebuild anew.


I'm happy to say that this is exactly what I've been doing for the past 10 months! :o)

Today's Tarot Card- 8/18/09

I had NO idea this morning how much this would really fit the day:

The Six of Swords card suggests that the worst might be over, but now what? It may be time to accept the facts -- move out of your comfort zone, seek refuge or guidance from someone in the same boat in order to resolve, reconcile and move on. See your way out of a negative situation, for it may have nothing left to offer you. Rebuilding trust or seeking a better life needs to be done although you may not meet it with much enthusiasm or confidence. Make sure you don't take your previous baggage with you on this emigration. You must dump the heartbreak, resentment, tension, dependency or ties that burden you, otherwise you could recreate similar conditions or trade one hardship or bad relationship for another.


Right now lined up I have a meeting w/two potential roommates, and I start a part time job this Friday. YAY!! Seems that the worst really is over. Now what?!?! Getting caught up on bills and handling the rest of life, love and all they both have to offer! :o)

~JB

My Daily Tarot Card 6/23/09

The Five of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in the upper hand. I can outwit or outlast and I choose my battles wisely. This puts me in a superior position. I know when it's time to hold, fold, or walk away. I am a survivor and am not easily defeated. I am empowered to gain the advantage by turnabout and my virtue fair play.

Bazinga...

The Most Eventful Year of My Life

A lot sure can happen in a year. A year ago today, around this very time (10:45am), a noble woman left this planet...my grandmother, Verona Alma Nickel. She was one of the greatest women I've ever had the privilege of knowing. Most people wouldn't consider knowing a relative a privilege, however in my family it is. My grandparents adopted 5 children in their lives, my mother (obviously) being one of them. When my mom was my age she found out she was pregnant, but wasn't quite ready or able to care for a child. One day she told my grandparents that she was pregnant and considering giving the child up for adoption. My grandmother would have nothing to do with that. At the age of 69, my grandmother told my grandfather that they would raise the baby until my mother was able to. My grandfather thought she was crazy, but there was never anyway he could change her mind once it was made up.
So on September 20, 1985, my grandmother's 70th birthday, I was born. My grandmother, the one who was pulling for me, got the the greatest birthday gift of all that year. It was as if fate were granting her this gift for her determination to keep our family together. A determination that the family had seen once before when she had primarily raised my older cousin, Christie (who was almost a Christmas present the year she was born). Fate brought us all together, but it is love that has kept us together.
For nearly 4 years my grandparents raised me. Gave me all they could and more. Took me with them everywhere and taught me all that they had to teach. Protected, cared for, and loved me as if I were their child. But there came a day when my mother was ready for me to move with her and her husband, the man I call my father. My grandparents would have to take me from the far North West corner of Oregon almost to the bottom of Southern California. They would have to give up having me there with them every day, so that I could go be with my parents. I'm sure that while I grasp how hard it was to do that, I will never fully understand the emotional impact it had on them.
Every summer (and some winters) I would return for as long as I was allowed. Spending as much time with my Oregon family, and especially my grandparents, as I could. I think I did the most growing as a person while I was up there. I could spend my time reflecting back on the rest of the year...learning and experiencing new things. Things that were very different from my city way of life. The best memories of my life are up there in those tiny towns of St. Helens, Warren, Rainier, Deer Island, and Canon Beach, OR. Some of the best things I know in life, I learned while there...from my Gramey and Grampey.
As all things do, I grew older. Wasn't able to come for as long. But I always made sure to make at least one trip a year and stay as long as I could. When I got older I would spend as much time with my grandparents as possible. Learning all I could, before the inevitable occured. I'd have to say that in the last year I've come to find that I took in a lot more from them than I realized I had. I also have found that I am a lot more like them than I realized. Which is such an amazing thing. I am so proud of that fact.
Since my grandmother's passing I really started to take a look at my life. Truly analyze it and all I do. Make sure that what I'm doing is really making me happy and is what's best for me. I can't believe how much I've grown in this last year. I've matured, I've wisend up, I've become more accepting, I've relaxed a lot, but mostly I've become more me. I've become more the person that my grandparents could already see.
I got in gear with school. I've become more serious about the future and the present. I also did a cleaning out of my emotional closet. And many more things. Because of all of these developments and advancements as a person, I had to make some major changes in my life as well. I went through with the marriage, however deep down I think I knew then that it wasn't right. But I know it was a vital step in becoming who I am now. Had I not gone through with all of it, I probably never would have gotten to the point I'm at today. I apologize for everything else everyone went through in regards to my wedding (attending, travel, etc), but honestly, I think it was exactly what my family needed. A get together, far from the memories. Somewhere new, where we could be us. I greatly appreciate all that everyone did to be there with me on that day. I also apologize to my ex that I hurt you. It was never my intent. But both of us were hurt at some point, and I think it is just a side affect of a relationship that we shouldn't have been in. It was a great learning experience to take some great lessons away from. But now we have to move on and move forward. That goes as well for all of those who had some vested interest in the relationship (family, friends, etc).
After last summer I did my most growing. Every day I kept thinking is this who I truly want to be, where I want to be. If the answer was no, I found some way to make the answer yes. I am so happy to say that I have stopped doing things to fill where I feel there are voids in my life. I am beyond happy with who I am, where I am, and who is in my life. I have truly weeded out non-friends, giving me this GREAT group of friends that I now have. I have found a GREAT man, who is truly the love of my life. They say you'll know the one when you feel it...I didn't get that until him. I am comfortable with my family situation and am working on it. I am happy with the material things I've been given. But mostly, I am GREAT in my eyes. I am happy with me. Every day I know my grandmother is with me still. And every day I wake up knowing that I could have been depressed and given up after she was gone. But that would not honor her memory. And that's what she deserves. Her memory lives on in me, and I plan to do it right.

I love you Gramey, and miss you every day. But I know you're in a better place looking down on all of us. Protecting us. A place where there is no more pain. Just happiness.

"I know you're going to miss me, and I'm going to miss you...but don't cry...we'll be together again soon"

Lyrics for the Ex

Kelly Pickler- Best Days of Your Life

Cuz I'll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met 'til you were making me cry
And it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
The best days of your life

Ain't it a shame?
A shame that every time you hear my name
Brought up in a casual conversation
You can't think straight

And ain't it sad?
You can forget about what we had
Take a look at her and do you like what you see?
Or do you wish it was me

CHORUS:
Cuz I'll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met to the very last night
And it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
The best days of you life

And does she know?
Know about the times you used to hold me
Wrapped me in your arms and how you told me
I'm the only one I heard about
Yeah, someone told me once, when you were out
She went a little crazy ran her mouth about me
Ain't jealousy funny?

CHORUS

...with me was a fairytale love
I was head-over-heals 'til you threw away "us"
And it's just too bad you've, already had the best days
The best days of your life

I heard you're gonna get married
Have a nice little family
Live out my dreams with someone new

But, I've been told that a cheater
Is always a cheater
I've got my pride, and she's got you...

Cuz I'll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met 'til you were making me cry
And it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
The best days of your life...Of your life

Oh, oh, yeah
You're gonna think of me
You're gonna think of me in your life
Oh, oh, yeah
It's a shame, it's a shame...

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

Thinking of making it the new ringtone for the guy i'm dating:

Chasing Cars
By Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes,
they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
will never change for us at all

If I lay hereIf I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?

Chasing Pavements, by Adele

My ringtone for the new guy I'm dating...who is WONDERFUL!!

I've made up my mind,
No need to think it over,
If i'm wrong I aint right,
No need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
This is love but.

If i tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And thats exactly what i need to do,
If i'm in love with you.

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere.

I'd build myself up,
And fly around in circles,
Wait then as my heart drops,
and my back begins to tingle.

Finally could this be it
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere...