The Five of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in the upper hand. I can outwit or outlast and I choose my battles wisely. This puts me in a superior position. I know when it's time to hold, fold, or walk away. I am a survivor and am not easily defeated. I am empowered to gain the advantage by turnabout and my virtue fair play.
Bazinga...
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
The Most Eventful Year of My Life
A lot sure can happen in a year. A year ago today, around this very time (10:45am), a noble woman left this planet...my grandmother, Verona Alma Nickel. She was one of the greatest women I've ever had the privilege of knowing. Most people wouldn't consider knowing a relative a privilege, however in my family it is. My grandparents adopted 5 children in their lives, my mother (obviously) being one of them. When my mom was my age she found out she was pregnant, but wasn't quite ready or able to care for a child. One day she told my grandparents that she was pregnant and considering giving the child up for adoption. My grandmother would have nothing to do with that. At the age of 69, my grandmother told my grandfather that they would raise the baby until my mother was able to. My grandfather thought she was crazy, but there was never anyway he could change her mind once it was made up.
So on September 20, 1985, my grandmother's 70th birthday, I was born. My grandmother, the one who was pulling for me, got the the greatest birthday gift of all that year. It was as if fate were granting her this gift for her determination to keep our family together. A determination that the family had seen once before when she had primarily raised my older cousin, Christie (who was almost a Christmas present the year she was born). Fate brought us all together, but it is love that has kept us together.
For nearly 4 years my grandparents raised me. Gave me all they could and more. Took me with them everywhere and taught me all that they had to teach. Protected, cared for, and loved me as if I were their child. But there came a day when my mother was ready for me to move with her and her husband, the man I call my father. My grandparents would have to take me from the far North West corner of Oregon almost to the bottom of Southern California. They would have to give up having me there with them every day, so that I could go be with my parents. I'm sure that while I grasp how hard it was to do that, I will never fully understand the emotional impact it had on them.
Every summer (and some winters) I would return for as long as I was allowed. Spending as much time with my Oregon family, and especially my grandparents, as I could. I think I did the most growing as a person while I was up there. I could spend my time reflecting back on the rest of the year...learning and experiencing new things. Things that were very different from my city way of life. The best memories of my life are up there in those tiny towns of St. Helens, Warren, Rainier, Deer Island, and Canon Beach, OR. Some of the best things I know in life, I learned while there...from my Gramey and Grampey.
As all things do, I grew older. Wasn't able to come for as long. But I always made sure to make at least one trip a year and stay as long as I could. When I got older I would spend as much time with my grandparents as possible. Learning all I could, before the inevitable occured. I'd have to say that in the last year I've come to find that I took in a lot more from them than I realized I had. I also have found that I am a lot more like them than I realized. Which is such an amazing thing. I am so proud of that fact.
Since my grandmother's passing I really started to take a look at my life. Truly analyze it and all I do. Make sure that what I'm doing is really making me happy and is what's best for me. I can't believe how much I've grown in this last year. I've matured, I've wisend up, I've become more accepting, I've relaxed a lot, but mostly I've become more me. I've become more the person that my grandparents could already see.
I got in gear with school. I've become more serious about the future and the present. I also did a cleaning out of my emotional closet. And many more things. Because of all of these developments and advancements as a person, I had to make some major changes in my life as well. I went through with the marriage, however deep down I think I knew then that it wasn't right. But I know it was a vital step in becoming who I am now. Had I not gone through with all of it, I probably never would have gotten to the point I'm at today. I apologize for everything else everyone went through in regards to my wedding (attending, travel, etc), but honestly, I think it was exactly what my family needed. A get together, far from the memories. Somewhere new, where we could be us. I greatly appreciate all that everyone did to be there with me on that day. I also apologize to my ex that I hurt you. It was never my intent. But both of us were hurt at some point, and I think it is just a side affect of a relationship that we shouldn't have been in. It was a great learning experience to take some great lessons away from. But now we have to move on and move forward. That goes as well for all of those who had some vested interest in the relationship (family, friends, etc).
After last summer I did my most growing. Every day I kept thinking is this who I truly want to be, where I want to be. If the answer was no, I found some way to make the answer yes. I am so happy to say that I have stopped doing things to fill where I feel there are voids in my life. I am beyond happy with who I am, where I am, and who is in my life. I have truly weeded out non-friends, giving me this GREAT group of friends that I now have. I have found a GREAT man, who is truly the love of my life. They say you'll know the one when you feel it...I didn't get that until him. I am comfortable with my family situation and am working on it. I am happy with the material things I've been given. But mostly, I am GREAT in my eyes. I am happy with me. Every day I know my grandmother is with me still. And every day I wake up knowing that I could have been depressed and given up after she was gone. But that would not honor her memory. And that's what she deserves. Her memory lives on in me, and I plan to do it right.
I love you Gramey, and miss you every day. But I know you're in a better place looking down on all of us. Protecting us. A place where there is no more pain. Just happiness.
"I know you're going to miss me, and I'm going to miss you...but don't cry...we'll be together again soon"
So on September 20, 1985, my grandmother's 70th birthday, I was born. My grandmother, the one who was pulling for me, got the the greatest birthday gift of all that year. It was as if fate were granting her this gift for her determination to keep our family together. A determination that the family had seen once before when she had primarily raised my older cousin, Christie (who was almost a Christmas present the year she was born). Fate brought us all together, but it is love that has kept us together.
For nearly 4 years my grandparents raised me. Gave me all they could and more. Took me with them everywhere and taught me all that they had to teach. Protected, cared for, and loved me as if I were their child. But there came a day when my mother was ready for me to move with her and her husband, the man I call my father. My grandparents would have to take me from the far North West corner of Oregon almost to the bottom of Southern California. They would have to give up having me there with them every day, so that I could go be with my parents. I'm sure that while I grasp how hard it was to do that, I will never fully understand the emotional impact it had on them.
Every summer (and some winters) I would return for as long as I was allowed. Spending as much time with my Oregon family, and especially my grandparents, as I could. I think I did the most growing as a person while I was up there. I could spend my time reflecting back on the rest of the year...learning and experiencing new things. Things that were very different from my city way of life. The best memories of my life are up there in those tiny towns of St. Helens, Warren, Rainier, Deer Island, and Canon Beach, OR. Some of the best things I know in life, I learned while there...from my Gramey and Grampey.
As all things do, I grew older. Wasn't able to come for as long. But I always made sure to make at least one trip a year and stay as long as I could. When I got older I would spend as much time with my grandparents as possible. Learning all I could, before the inevitable occured. I'd have to say that in the last year I've come to find that I took in a lot more from them than I realized I had. I also have found that I am a lot more like them than I realized. Which is such an amazing thing. I am so proud of that fact.
Since my grandmother's passing I really started to take a look at my life. Truly analyze it and all I do. Make sure that what I'm doing is really making me happy and is what's best for me. I can't believe how much I've grown in this last year. I've matured, I've wisend up, I've become more accepting, I've relaxed a lot, but mostly I've become more me. I've become more the person that my grandparents could already see.
I got in gear with school. I've become more serious about the future and the present. I also did a cleaning out of my emotional closet. And many more things. Because of all of these developments and advancements as a person, I had to make some major changes in my life as well. I went through with the marriage, however deep down I think I knew then that it wasn't right. But I know it was a vital step in becoming who I am now. Had I not gone through with all of it, I probably never would have gotten to the point I'm at today. I apologize for everything else everyone went through in regards to my wedding (attending, travel, etc), but honestly, I think it was exactly what my family needed. A get together, far from the memories. Somewhere new, where we could be us. I greatly appreciate all that everyone did to be there with me on that day. I also apologize to my ex that I hurt you. It was never my intent. But both of us were hurt at some point, and I think it is just a side affect of a relationship that we shouldn't have been in. It was a great learning experience to take some great lessons away from. But now we have to move on and move forward. That goes as well for all of those who had some vested interest in the relationship (family, friends, etc).
After last summer I did my most growing. Every day I kept thinking is this who I truly want to be, where I want to be. If the answer was no, I found some way to make the answer yes. I am so happy to say that I have stopped doing things to fill where I feel there are voids in my life. I am beyond happy with who I am, where I am, and who is in my life. I have truly weeded out non-friends, giving me this GREAT group of friends that I now have. I have found a GREAT man, who is truly the love of my life. They say you'll know the one when you feel it...I didn't get that until him. I am comfortable with my family situation and am working on it. I am happy with the material things I've been given. But mostly, I am GREAT in my eyes. I am happy with me. Every day I know my grandmother is with me still. And every day I wake up knowing that I could have been depressed and given up after she was gone. But that would not honor her memory. And that's what she deserves. Her memory lives on in me, and I plan to do it right.
I love you Gramey, and miss you every day. But I know you're in a better place looking down on all of us. Protecting us. A place where there is no more pain. Just happiness.
"I know you're going to miss me, and I'm going to miss you...but don't cry...we'll be together again soon"
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