How Things Have Gone...

Here I sit...reflecting back a little, ok a lot. On where things have gone over the past few months. To think that just a little over 2 months ago I was on track to be someone's wife. I was wearing a ring and playing a role that I just truly wasn't ready for....especially not with that person. It's funny how things work out in the end. And even weirder is to think that until a few weeks ago someone viewed me and treated me as their property...and I let it happen! WOW!! I'm glad I was able to walk away from both of those sitations. Both weren't right for me. Both were not who I am or what I deserve. I'm glad that through the second one I was keeping myself open to other people and other experiences...b/c that way I was still keeping some part of myself.


Now I am going through things that justify to me why I walked away from both sitations...from both guys. Every day it seems there is a reminder. I can't believe I let myself get so lost in them that I forgot who I was. Not only did I forget who I was, the whole real me never got a chance to come out. I'm slowly but surely realizing that I have to be me...and the next "him" has to like me, ALL of me. If he doesn't, this just won't work. Half of me gets that and is trying to act on it, while the other half is falling back into bad habits and adapting to what that person wants. I'm fighting it every step of the way. I'm trying to make sure "he" will get to know the real me...not the version that molds itself to this person. If I do that neither of us would be happy in the long run. It's hard, but possible and I think whom ever the next "him" is will appreciate it.


That's why w/this new person I'm dating we're taking things slow. Truly getting to know eachother. I think it's the first time I've not only done that, but have been able to do that. It's the first time I've met an adult who's willing to do that. Seems that just about everyone else I've dated either I didn't know I was supposed to do that b/c of inexperience, or they didn't want to do that and I just gave in. Now I'm asking lots of questions, and trying not to be afraid of the questions that pop into my head. If I want to know something I'm asking it...and not making up excuses as to why I want to know it either. And I'm hoping for...no expecting the same from him. I wouldn't want him to be afraid to ask me anything, but I can't be afraid of what's being asked either. It's a great feeling. Very empowering...and it gives me hope that there are healthy relationships out there. lol


Speaking of being empowered...today I kept my word to myself. Through this whole break-up I've really only shown back bone when it comes to leaving him and staying gone. I've been a bit of a push-over otherwise. But something happened last week that really made me open my eyes and realize that I've been foolishly making myself believe a lie. And I've also foolishly been being nice when I no longer needed to. I owe nothing, I have already given too much. So with that under my belt I kept my word to myself and I called two utilties today to get them taken out of my name. One will be done tomorrow and the other will be done on my next day off. I will be taking the others out of my name slowly but surely as well. When I advised him of this he first tried guilt, by saying things like "gee, thanks" and "great timing leaving when I'm unemployed!" Then he tried using love, by asking me if we could talk about getting back together. When that didn't work he turned to good ole hate/anger by telling me that he hates my guts! His words were a little harsher...but I softened them for here. Again with the justification! I can no longer let myself get walked upon. I've put up with enough already, now he gets to feel what it's like to be taking care of everything, I'm done doing it.


What else to ramble about? Oh, I'm surprising myself in this whole dating thing. Usually I go w/the flow and push ahead a little faster than I probably should. A very close friend of mine said that this new guy seems to be everything I'm looking for...and while that may be, I'm still going to take it slow. Get to know myself better first. Yes, I see real potential in this...and that's why I'm going to make sure to take things at an appropriate pace. Not too slow or fast, but at just the right speed as to not potentially doom us. lol I don't feel like going through the drama and ups and downs I have in my past...well all relationships. If I chose to get into another relationship any time soon I want to make sure I've thought it out all the way, and so has he. I want to make sure that he really is the complete package and that I really am for him. Next time around, I don't want either of us settling. No matter who it is I'm dating...be it this guy or not.

I'm still dwelling on this whole concept of someone being everything that a person could be looking for. Did I get so used to dating guys who weren't right for me that I can't grasp that there are nice men out there? Is it such an obscure idea? I think i'm slowly starting to warm up to the idea. I'm not saying that he's perfect...i'm sure he has his flaws, but for once they're aren't things that i have to rationalize, justify, or try to deal with or over look. I don't have to hide things from my friends or family! I can be open w/who he is, and what i'm doing w/him. That hasn't happened in a long time. It's a very nice change.

Honestly though, it actually kind of scares the shit out of me. lol I think i'm a little afraid to open up to someone who seems genuinely great. It's like i am waiting for there to be something wrong b/c there always has been in the past. But that's not fair to do...to either party. Really though, i don't want to start reading too much into anything. Better to just ride it out and see how it goes. I think i'm going to take this leap. Go for whatever happens, whatever comes. Not be afraid, and not be closed off. Just take the chance that i keep telling other people to take! Whether it leads to something or not, i shouldn't hold back b/c of the possibility that i'll get hurt or that nothing will come of it. I'm going to jump in the deep end...


Wish me luck!

Rolling with the Punches

Up and down...up and down...that's the way this always seems to go.
Don't know what to do.
Do i stick with it, or get out while i still can?
Is the attention of another a good enough reason to realize what i want and deserve?
Maybe the grass just appears greener on the other side.
There'd be a lot of changes to be made.
There'd be a lot of things to take care of.
Are those worth staying?
Happier avoiding, or happier facing?
Am i truley not getting what i want/deserve?
I can't imagine i seriously blinded myself this much.
Then again, maybe I have.

The New Story of My Life

QUESTION: If your life is a movie, what songs are on the soundtrack?
Here's how it works:
1. Open iTunes (or whatever ya got)
2. Put it on shuffle and press play
3. For every question, type the song that's playing
4. Make up a Title and choose your Cast

Title:
Let it Play Out

Cast:
Drew Barrymoore (as Jenna)
Jason Stathem (as J)
Jack Black (as Joey)
Kevin Smith (as James F)
Michael Buble (as James W)
Sally Field (as Gramey)
Sean Connery (as Grampey) (b/c it'd be kewl)
Monique (as CW)
Susan Sarandon (as Mom)
Bruce Willis (as Dad) (this just keeps getting better)

(rolls yet to be filled: George, Daniel, Patrick, and several others)


Opening Credits (and DVD Menu): Fall For You- Secondhand Seranade
I'm totally in love with this song right now, too! It's a good opener...talks about a struggle! Life has been that way for me for awhile!

Waking Up: Expo '86- Death Cab for Cutie
While i think that this is supposed to be waking up from sleep, this song makes me think of waking up from a haze. That's going on for me right now.

First Day At School: It's Over- Jesse MacCartney
I'm starting to see a theme here! lol Yeah, school is already over for me. That is true.

Falling In Love: Tell You Something- Alicia Keys
Talks about trying before it's too late! That's exceptionally fitting right now!

Fight Song: The Trouble with Love Is- Kelley Clarkson
Yeah, this is a lover but a fighter song! :o)

Breaking Up: My Heart Will Go On- Celine Dion
It's like you're over and yet in your mind/heart you re-visit the relationship. You know it's done but you are reminiscing in order to move on.

Prom: Like You'll Never See Me Again- Alicia Keys
I take this two ways, one: it's almost the end of the year so you're supposed to cherish the moments and life them to their fullest; two: it could be between two high school lovers who are going to loose their innocene that night!

Life: The New Year- Death Cab for Cutie
Yeah, i'm feeling this way right now about life. This song talks about how it's the new year, but nothing has changed. and how he wishes things could go back to a simpler, less complicated time. i'm totally there w/him on that.

Mental Breakdown: There For You- Flyleaf
Wow this great for a mental breakdown. Such a deep meaningful song about internal struggle.

Instrumental Intermission (two): Stomp- God's Property & Hand's Held High- Linkin Park
Two very good songs. One wakes you up and the next calms you back down for the movie.

Flashback: Who Do You Think You Are- Spice Girls
I LOVE THE SPICE GIRLS!!! This is a great flashback song for my life!

Wedding: You Are the Only One- God's Property
While technically a gospel song about God, the lyrics still fit for a spouse! Good lines!

Birth of Child: No More Sorrow- Linkin Park
The lyrics in this song make me not want to bring a kid into the world! lol But I love Linkin Park so i'll listen anyway!

Final Battle: Valentine's Day- Linkin Park
"My insides are turned to ash, so slow And blew away as I collapsed, so cold"
wow, what a perfect song so for the final battle. it's technically about a lover gone...but hey, the lyrics are working for me.

Death Scene: We Hustle- Mary J. Blige
hahahaha umm...ok!?!?! I don't know about this one!

Funeral Song: No One- Alicia Keys
"I just want you close, where you can stay forever" sounds like someone is in denial over the death! but i like the part "everything is going to be alright". I try to have that outlook so maybe it'd be my song to peoples attending?!?!

End Credits: In Between- Linkin Park
(this has become less of a shuffle than it really should be)
WOW!! This a great song for ending credits. Couldn't have picked something better, really!

End Credits (Secondary): I'm Sorry- Flyleaf
Flyleaf is an awesome group...so i'm happy to have them at the end of my life movie. Great song to end with as well. Deep and loud!

Weighing It All...

So when someone tells you to make a list of all the pro's and con's you're really gun-ho on it THEN!! Then you sleep on it, come to work, work like crazy most of the morning...and have no desire to do it what-so-ever. So that's where I am right now. Trying to weigh in on the issue on my mind. Think things over and decide what to do, what to do...maybe i'll visit the ladies room, throw lunch in the microwave, and then start on that list. We'll see! May the force be with me! :o)

Better Get to Livin' (The Movie of My Life)

QUESTION: If your life is a movie, what songs are on the soundtrack?

Here's how it works:

1. Open iTunes (or whatever ya got)

2. Put it on shuffle and press play

3. For every question, type the song that's playing

4. Make up a Title and choose your Cast




Cast:

Drew Barrymoore (as Jenna)

Jason Stathem (as Joey)

Sally Field (as Gramey)

Sean Connery (as Grampey) (b/c it'd be kewl)

Monique (as CW)

Susan Sarandon (as Mom)

Bruce Willis (as Dad) (this just keeps getting better)





Opening Credits (and DVD Menu): Van Zant- That Scares Me

I think it's a good one b/c it talks about all the different mile stones that one goes through getting older and growing up.



Waking Up: Martina McBride- For These Times

This song talks about the things we face in life that we may not want to...that's how i feel when I have to wake up for work! lol



First Day At School: LeAnn Rimes- Good Friends and a Glass of Wine

Well if you're talking about the first day at college this is PERFECT!! Well when you're younger i guess it's good friends and a juice box! lol This is pretty fitting for my life, especially pertaining to school.



Falling In Love: The McClymonts- Favourite Boyfriend of the Year

well if he's my favourite then i'd be falling in love...right?!?! lol



Fight Song: Justin Moore- Back That Thing Up

Not sure how this coincides w/fighting. Maybe it's telling me i'm more of a lover than a fighter?!



Breaking Up: Taylor Swift- Picture to Burn

WOW!! This is perfect! This is pretty much how i'd be reacting! lol



Prom: Carrie Underwood- All-American Girl

Aww...all american=prom memories!



Life: Trace Adkins- You're Going to Miss This

Another perfect song. All about how you shouldn't look too far to the future b/c you're going to miss things the way they are.



Mental Breakdown: George Strait- How 'Bout them Cowgirls

Another one where i'm not sure how it goes. Maybe if i were to have a mental breakdown i'd like girls?!?! hehe



Instrumental Intermission (two): Jack Ingram- Measure of a Man; Bomshel- Power of One

Both great songs...especially the later. I really like to try to live by that one.



Driving: Crossin Dixon- Guitar Slinger

Sure...i'm a slinger! lol



Flashback: Terri Clark- In My Next Life

haha It could be used for looking back on how you'd do things differenly the next time around. Great song though!!



Wedding: Crystal Shawanda- You Can Let Go

This one is beyond perfect. It's the song my father and I danced to at my wedding. Great song...always makes me want to tear up. I'll forever think of my wedding when i hear this song.



Birth of Child: Kenney Chesney (ft. George Strait)- Shiftwork

I guess the shiftwork would be the several hours of labor. My mom went through 32 for me...let's hope mine is a lot less than that. ;o)



Final Battle: Rodney Atkins- Cleaning This Gun (Come On In Boy)

Maybe the final battle is my daughter dating? lol Who knows...or maybe i'm really a guy and I get shot b/c i bring her home too late!? hahahaha



Death Scene: Josh Turner (ft. Trisha Yearwood)- Another Try

I can only guess that this song is a sign that i will die b/c of love ending. (I swear next time i'll hang on for dear life...if love ever gives me another try!~Yeah sounds like i'm dying b/c love left me)



Funeral Song: Jeff Carson- When You Said You Loved Me

Again, I believe i'm going to die b/c love leaves me. And this song talks about all the good things that this guy felt when she said that she loved him. Or maybe my lover realized how he really felt, and this song is what makes him think of me. B/c that's always how it works...you realize a minute too late!

End Credits: Dierks Bentley- Trying to Stop Your Leaving

Well the movie is ending so he's trying to stop viewers from leaving! lol I think it's a good closure song. Slow enough to signify an ending, but fast paced enough not to be boring.

End Credits (Secondary): Toby Kieth- Love Me if You Can

Another good slow but not too slow song. (Hate me if you want to...Love me if you can) I think this would have been a better funeral song...but it'll do here as well! :o)

This was fun...I think I might do it again! ;o)

Movies- Comedy

I just had to say I'm a little disappointed that comedy's now-a-days aren't straight comedies any more. They all have to have some damn moral lesson in them. What happened to movies like Cheech and Chong used to put out. Straight comedy. The two movies I've found to be nearest this is the Broken Lizard crew's set of movies, and Super Bad. I'm sure there are a few others...but the majority have some sad, down parts. I want to watch a movie sometimes and just have it make me laugh like 95% of the time. Not 75%!! ugh...is it too much to ask?!

Relationships

Why is breaking up so hard to do? And why is it the nobody realizes how hard it is until they're doing it?

Two people in my life are ending some pretty long term, serious relationships. One is a co-worker friend of mine (age 25), who had been w/his girlfriend for about 7 years. They've been having some problems lately. Mainly they're realizing that they've grown into two completely different people from the ones at the start of the relationship...two people who aren't compatible anymore. So he's going through that right now. And to boot they just bought a house together in May of this year. So she's moved out and he's working on renting it out for a few years in order to sell it.
He thought he was going to bounce right back from all of this. Split, take care of business, and then be fine. I tried to tell him that clean breaks are good, and make the getting over things easier...but things still aren't that easy to get over. He didn't believe me...I think now he does. I feel really bad for him, but being married it's a little weird trying to reach out and be there for him. I don't want it to seem to anyone that i'm interested in him...b/c that's not the case. I just know what it's like to get out of a serious relationship...so I can understand a little bit of how he's feeling. I just figure he might need someone to listen and talk about things w/. I think I'm doing pretty well at not coming on too strong about it. I think I'm putting the right amount of effort into it to show that i'm just here for moral support. Hopefully i'm right in my assumption.
The other person is my sister-in-law. She and my brother-in-law (husband's brother) are going to be splitting up soon. He has cheated on her several times, and once even had a full on relationship with another woman. How she has put up with antics for 10+ years is beyond me.
Anyway, she finally told him that he either cleans up his act or she's leaving him. Well he decided that he wasn't going to clean up his act...she said that as soon as she found a new place to live (there lease is just about up) it would be over. It seems to me that he is getting his cake and eating it to. I get the impression he considers them over, but if she's going to give him the benefits of a marriage w/none of the long term commitment...he's all for that. I am trying to get her out in the dating pool. Not so much as to find a new boyfriend...but to help her feel desirable, worthy, and wanted again. I'm not expecting her to find anyone new anytime soon...I don't know how smart it'd be...but I am hoping she has some fun and does some stuff that makes her feel good. But she won't do anything, or really talk to anyone, or even meet them while other people are around until she's not living with her husband. I tell her that I feel it's not wrong for her to meet people in a group setting. Then it's just like friends hanging out. She says that while her husband may not be being completely faithful right now, he still does stuff that shows he cares...so she wouldn't want to do that to him. I get it, but on the other hand I don't. That's why I said earlier that clean breaks are best (is that what I actually said? if not i should have)!! This break is messy and very drawn out.
I guess not all things in life can be simple. I just worry that she's disillusioned and thinks that he's going to not want it to end at the last second...and so she's holding out. I've talked to him and he's ready for the split. I just hope for the best for her.
Anyway, that's my stories about two different types of break ups and how it's a hard thing to do. Best of luck to both of the parties involved. And best of luck to everyone who's trying to have a relationship now-a-days. It's hard what w/the economy being so poor...causing stress to a lot of people. And so many other factors. Best of luck to us all...

Hypocrasy At It's Finest

So i was clearing out my junk e-mail folder today and what do i find in there? Something that i personally feel is super racist but somehow socially exceptable. Meet Black People is the recipient and Meet 1000's of Black Singles in Your Area is the subject. Now had that said Meet 1000's of White Singles in Your Area there would have been hell being raised. People would have been accused of trying to set up a KKK throw-back meeting. As the title says...it's hypocrasy at it's best. As many comedians says as well, there's no WET (white entertainment television)...but there is BET. And as there is Little Japan or Little China in certain parts of town (San Francisco as an example)...you won't go to Japan and find a Little California. Ok, I'm getting off on a tangent now. I just wanted to say that b/c that spam mail ticked me off pretty good. And I'm sure that by complaining some people would think I'm being racist. "Oh, white woman wants to complain about inequality"...well you can't give something to some and not to others. Otherwise you're being just as bad as the system was before the change. You can't crave equality and then not give it when it's given to you. Or worse...reserve it only for some. And just as an FYI...where I grew up I was the minority. I kid you not...i was like one of only a handful white people at my school. There was a much larger hispanic and african american population. Especially in middle school. So i know what it's like to be picked on and hated for my skin color. You didn't have people who wouldn't talk to you infront of their friends b/c you were white...no you had your pals would stand behind you no matter. When you did face some adversity they were the people to stand behind you. If another white student had stood behind me they would have been called racist...and had a student from some other ethnic group stood behind me they would have been treated as a traitor. So don't go preaching to me about how your ANCESTOR'S had it tough. Yeah, THEY did...you didn't. You don't see people who are of the Jewish faith (and have long family ties to it) complaining do you? They aren't out there saying oh well my great-grandparents or grandparents were affected by the Holocaust. Now i want special treatment. NO!!! They know that the only people who deserve the special treatment were those that lived it. Those are the ones who deserve the respect....they with stood the event. Not their grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Try to follow their example. And i know that some who may read this will say well i faced adversity as well...great. sorry to hear it...but i'm sure it made you the person you are today. But not everyone has. Not every person in this world has. And it seems to me that now-a-days the ones who complain the most have faced the least. So to them I say, "shut up and sit down...You can't fight for what you know nothing about!" aaggh....frustration seeping out! lol ok...i feel better. and i will stop w/my rantings.

Presidential Election

I remember when I was younger my mom said something about voting for Bush or Gore was like having to chose the lesser of two evils. I now know what she was talking about. That's how I feel with the current presidential run off. I am very torn as to which way to go. My step-dad always jokes that I'm a republican...but on my voter registration I marked Reform party at age 18. Personally, now, I don't really feel as though I associate myself with any one party. No one party speaks to my needs, wants, likes, dislikes, etc on some vast level.
Maybe one day I'll be able to make more sense of what is going on. But it's so much to take in it honestly makes me want to throw my arms up and say screw it! lol I'll slowly start reading more and more into the candidates. Hopefully by voting time I'll have a better idea of who I want to represent me! HOPEFULLY!!!!

Movie Review: Grindhouse Presents: Planet Terror

WOW!!! WOW!!! What a movie, huh!?!?! I can't remember the last time I saw such horrible acting or such a horrible movie. I think it is up there with The Ninth Gate (Johnny Depp) and The Beach (Leonardo DiCaprio). The only reason I watched this movie in its entirety was to see if it was really that horrible or if it was just those few scenes. Nope, it's horrible the whole way through. Sadly...it was so horrible it was decent. I mean I love odd movies about weird things. But this was even over the edge for me. I think maybe the reason it was so horrible was b/c the acting was hideous...and some of these people are good actors in other movies/shows. I don't know what happened here. At some points in the movie I actually liked it and then others I found myself wanting to vomit. I think this movie caused me to have a small case of bi-polar disorder. If I have to give a recommendation as to whether one should watch it or not, I'd have to say that one should watch it and decide for themselves. The leading male role, "L Ray" was pretty hot. A little bit of an odd ball...but still hot. I dig the whole guys w/tattoos and scars so maybe others won't find him as attractive. I think the worst two things he did in this movie were 1.) when the leading female role, Cherry (Rose McGowan), says f**k you...he takes off his shirt and says f**k me? like they're going to do it. This TOTALLY ruined the sex scene b/c you knew that they were gonna do it since he takes off his shirt and leaves it off...TOTAL GIVE AWAY!!; and 2.) (sorry to give this away) near the end when he's dieing right before his last breath he has like a damn seizure...then he he silently takes his last breath and is gone. Like I know he was shot and all...but was the over-acting really necessary!?!?! But I suppose if he had done these two scenes well it would have screwed up the whole movie and made everyone elses horrible acting seem that much worse. And just to even things out, Cherry has a few horrible scenes of her own. Her worst one is probably also L Ray's worst one. That dieing scene...as he's dieing and telling her that "he never misses" (implying she's pregnant, but we've all assumed that she is now that he's dieing) she is sobbing like a 3 year old throwing a tempertantrum...and I'm not exaggerating here when I say this. The noises coming from her are like that of a child crying to get attention b/c they're not happy. Again, though...had she acted well the movie would have been screwed.
Ok, I suppose that's enough rambling for now. Go watch the movie...it'll be worth it. At the very least you'll have a new worst movie you've ever seen to tell people about. Also, before I forget...Bruce Willis is in it!! That has to count for something!

Finally...an outlet...

I have always been a big fan of blogging...however I dont' necessarily want all of my friends to be reading what I'm feeling. Makes life too damn complicated. So today while Google-ing pictures of Sharon Tate I came across someone's blog on here where they talked about her. This is the perfect place for me. YAY!! ;o)
And now I will answer the question you're probably asking yourself...why was I looking up pictures of Sharon Tate!?!? Well, I like to read MSNBC's crime reports. And I'm a little behind so I just read one they did on 8/29/08, on Mr.Charlie Manson and his "family." I have read about this story and him MANY times...and have always been curious as to what Sharon Tate looked (looks?) like. Well now I know. And you thought I was exaggerating when I said crazed red head!! lol
So that is what brought me here to this wonderful cite. I look forward to utilizing it as much as possible. And I hope that who ever finds my blog enjoys it, and doesn't drop any IQ points from it! :o)