Reflection

I've spent the last few days talking w/a decent amount of people...some are more just that they want to know what's going on, but a select few are really concerned and are giving insight, great insight. Things are very uncertain right now...I'd have to say that the only things I'm certain of are that I love him with all of my heart, and that I'm not letting us go down without a fight.
I am starting to see more clearly what I was doing wrong...and what I need to do to work on me to fix this on my end. I know that I was pushing an agenda that I may not have necessarily been ready for either. But b/c of my own issues, I was pushing it even if I didn't realize it. And that was wrong of me. And to make matters worse, I was being selfish and pig headed and causing issues b/c I wasn't getting my way. I can't say I'm surprised I did that, since I'm an only child and need to work on being selfish...but I'm not happy I did it to one of those people who doesn't deserve it. And so by admitting it, I take the first step toward overcoming it. I know now that it's not just about what I want...there are others to take into account as well, the most important one being him.
Another thing I was doing wrong was putting others before him and us. While this is necessary sometimes, I know I did it far more than I should have. And I'm truly sorry for that. It is definetly something I'm working on. And something I know now I wasn't happy doing it at the time, I just hid it from myself.
I know too that I need to make sure the other person knows I truly do need them. I have lived most of my life as Ms. Independent, and while that can be appealing to an extent, people ultimetly need to feel needed, too.
There are a lot of things I'm going over in my head, and am resolving to work on. I know that neither of us were acting as great as we both could have been. But that doesn't mean we're not capable of it...and it doesn't mean that we won't work. I'm going to fight for what I want, until I find no reason to fight anymore. I waited 5 years for this chance...it's definetly worth waiting a little while longer for and even more worth fighting for!
I'm sorry for all I did wrong and I am growing from this...

roller coaster

This weekend was supposed to be about love and us...and somehow it turned into the opposite. Somehow it turned into the end...or is it? I'm not sure what's really all going on. I just don't understand that something that felt so right, and that clicked so well, can just be over...done...not right. There is so much love there...and isn't love supposed to concur all. Are we really that stubborn that we are going to get in our own ways in such a drastic manner? Or is it really the end? Is it really for the best? I don't know. I keep thinking how there were things that were causing me to be unhappy...but now that it seems to be over, my heart is asking, were things really that bad or was I just not getting my way and I was causing my unhappiness? I'm beginning to feel more and more like that's a pretty accurate depiction of it...how I got in my own damn way. I knew that come May/June we could go our separate ways, and I had started to think about what that actually looked like, but now that it's here...I didn't imagine it as clearly as it feels. I feel desperation, loss, anger, pain, regret, hope, despair, desire, agony, motivation and a lack there of...all at the same time. There are others, and on top of that I'm worrying about him and what he's feeling. I felt (and still do) that we were so right for each other, and that we'd "be together till the end" b/c of that. But now I don't know if he felt/feels that way. Maybe I was fooling myself. I think I was wanting certain things to hide from the fact that it's not just all about me in this thing. Being an only child got the better of me. I truly feel I lost touch of the fact that he's here and has wants and needs, too. It's not all about what I want all of the time...and while I thought I was being supportive and helpful, I was still pushing what I wanted.
What did I want?!?! That's a curious thing. I thought I wanted something; but really, all I want is him in my life. If right now that means only as a friend (or whatever), so be it. I was so dumb to not realize what I was doing. And that maybe I was causing some of what was making me unhappy. I know for sure though that I'm going to have to face this and try not to be scared of what's to come. I need to take the leaps of faith and just try things. Have faith that things will work out as they're supposed to and "for the best". May not help how I'm feeling now, but I have to have faith that no matter what, I will be happy again once all is said and done.
Here's a cryptic secret though: I'm a fighter!

~RedJB