The Holiday Season is officially upon us, and for some reason it really has me thinking more than usual. And yesterday I was very much in this mood to blog...but today I just can't seem to find the motivation. Maybe b/c I know that no one is reading this, or maybe it's b/c those things I needed some clarity on seem like less of an important topic. Who knows?! But I'll do my best to get me writting, b/c I know that I need to and it is good for the soul to get things out there.
Recently I've been realizing how much stuff I've been blinding myself to with people. Just accepting their word at face value...and then I find out there actions are totally saying a different thing. For awhile I'd ignored this, but I can't seem to anymore. The two faced-ness and double standards are getting old. Plus, when some people try to stir up drama for those who are near and dear to me...I start to get protective and their words mean less and less. I don't even feel bad doing it either. I'm really trying to be involved in as little drama as possible and let people live their lives out the way that they want to. And unless it's actually destructive, I'm not going to say anything with out being asked and without it being conducive for me to do so. But when you try to start drama, I'm just not going to stand for it. Whew...that feels better!
Next, I think that I am currently working on some personal issues in regards to romantic relationships. I felt, for awhile, that I really wanted this to go to the next level. And when there were times that I thought it would, and it didn't...I'd get upset. It prevented me from truly having a good time. Myself made me (lol) evaluate why I wanted it so badly. I wasn't able to give myself a good enough answer. While I don't think I'd be comfortable waiting nine years...waiting a few isn't so bad. Things don't need to be rushed. As long as they feel right, that's all that matters. For once I'm actually starting to see that. As long as I don't become an accessory (and I don't start viewing him as one), things will be ok. I am understanding more the importance of being in the right place in life, before just jumping into things. I realize now that was one of the major mistakes I've made in the past...probably what doomed most of my relationships.
My next thought is that I'm looking to expand on what I do in life...but I'm having difficulty doing so. I think one of the harder things is admitting what I want to do...and that I may not be that great at it/them. And thus, I may not go as far as I'd like. Also, I may have to ask for help, and that's not always the easiest thing for me. Lately I've been getting more and more interested in things I used to do in the past, such as singing, acting, artsy stuff like that. I feel like somewhere along the way I've lost myself and I need to get back on track with who I want to be. I have a creative side that I need to express, and I think after years of repressing it I think the pressure has finally gotten so great that the bottle cap is about to burst off. I think one of the biggest fears I have is that those I care the most about won't understand why I'm going this...and won't be supportive. It's easy to say it...but it's harder to mean it. And I can usually tell when certain people mean it or not. I just feel like there are so many things out there that relate to me better than what I'm doing right now...and I'd be a fool not to persue them.
A few random thoughts just ventured into my brain. The first is that I need to learn to start trusting myself. And I have a confession...while I'm a trust worthy and reliable person...I would really like one of the qualities people use to describe to be, "always true to her word!" I don't want to be a slacker, who people don't know if they can rely on or not. This means, starting to be true to my word when it comes to myself. But as Leann Rhimes put it, "I will learn to love, I will learn to forgive what I can not change...but I will change whatever I, whenever I can!" And I completely agree that, "it's easier to please the world, than it is to please myself!" And I take that thought with me on my journey of growing as a person.
Sometimes, on the journey of life, we stop and smell the roses, and then we continue on...growing and changing. Sometimes that stop is brief, and sometimes it is long. Either way, we shouldn't be afraid once we get rolling again, as long as we are rolling forward toward a better us.
