Things going right in my life:
-I'm live, healthy, and beautiful
-I'm intelligent, and even have a degree to show for it
-I have a great job, that pays well
-I have a great roof over my head, that doesn't cost too much & is in a nice area
-I have a great, reliable car to drive that I'm not behind payments on
-Many people love me and care about me
-I have doggies that adore the heck out of me
-I have food to eat
-I have a gym membership, which I use, and can relieve stress at
-I lost the weight I gained over the holidays
-I have gorgeous red hair
-I have tons of shoes I love
-I have Partylite smell good stuff all around the house
Well that maxes my list for right now! I thought that if maybe I listed things out like that I'd feel a little better...but alas, it did not help as much as I would have hoped. So here's the down:
-My love life is rocky
-My family life is rocky
-My financial life is rocky
-My landlord life is rocky
-My sanity is being tested
While this list is shorter, it is far more impactful on my psychy, state of mind and emotional well being. My tenant is giving me a headache both financially and other, things are complicated w/my boyfr...the man I love, my mom has a large tumor that she needs surgery for, my cousin is getting married and has booted me out as not just MOH but also from knowing what's going on at all, I really would like to be out of debt far more than I am but I keep screwing that up, and I'm still dealing w/the remanants of my health issues. So I'm trying my best to keep it together and not snap. But work has been a tad stressful lately, so I'm really just doing my best here.
My cousin hurt me first when she said that her sister was going to be Maid of Honor. After I made her mine, and after all I went through as her as mine...then she said I could be Matron of Honor. But then she went dress shopping w/out me. Now I hear FROM OTHER PEOPLE that she's set a date and is having it in Vegas. I'm so taken a-back that she is doing this that I think I'm too in shock to be hurt just yet. This doesn't sound at all like what she'd said she wanted. So it makes me wonder why the change. Also, the fact that she's not even keeping me in the loop on the little things tells me all I need to know. I guess I'm not important enough in her life to let me know what's going on...or have the common deceny to let me know that she doesn't want me as MOH and why. But I guess having that kind of common deceny is something that comes with age and experience. So as to not eat my own words, I'm going to message a certain someone and have the common deceny to tell them why I can no longer have them in my life.
Ok, that's done, I'm feeling a little better about me. Next, thing...Nick! This just all genuinly sucks. Every time I talk w/other people I get more and more insight into what this might be/mean...but then when I'm around him everything just gets fuzzy. I've been trying to be better, realistic and asking/saying what I need to. But it's hard b/c I love him, and he still sort of acts like he did when we were together. I don't know what he's truly thinking or feeling and I don't think he does either. I think the notion that he's scared and confused is very true. I feel that he's faced with having to grow up and do the real life thing and doesn't know how to deal with that. It would explain why he all of a sudden changed how he was thinking about us, and it would explain why he changed his mind on the house, and it would explain a lot of other things. I still don't get though how he truly can't see that if he misses me so much and this is so hard on him...how he doesn't see that this can work?! It hurts the most knowing that he is getting in not only his own way, but in the way of us happening. From the beginning I lept in head first and decided that I was going to do my best to not be scared and just let things happen as they will. I was going to push myself not to inhibit myself. I thought he was doing the same...but now to feel that he is acting scared and playing it safe hurts. I want him, but I want him to want me for more than just something he needs for comfort. I don't want to be what he uses to get through till graduation and then he drops me b/c he doesn't know how to face real life anymore. Yes, things between us got serious...and so what?!?! That's what life does...it's gets real, and it gets serious. And it does take work...sometime we don't want to have to do it! But that's what life is about. Rewards don't just come to us...they come to those who work for it, IN ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE! You can't just say I know, but then only do it when it comes to one thing. I love him, and I'm willing to work for this...but I won't be had. I truly hope he realizes what this is and could be (even if it's only for a short time). Because letting something this great go to waste is a shame and is something to be regretted (and I preach no regrets, just lessons learned...so that's saying a lot). I know a small part of this is that I want to be wanted...I don't want to be undesirable. I want to know that I'm not just someone else's good enough for right now. I've been that before and it sucks. I can't let myself do that again. I can feel that he loves me in how he touches me and looks at me...but sometimes when he opens his mouth he gives me the opposite of what he just showed. Men, sigh....
Ok, I need to get some work done. I'll write more about the other things later. I'm not in the mood to deal with it all at once.
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